.sunday night anxiety.

tonight's one of those sunday nights when it's after 1am, and i know that i'm going to need to take a 1/2 xanax in order to fall asleep. which means i'll be totally groggy tomorrow because i won't have had 8 hours of drugged, anxiety-free sleep...but it will help with tonight, and all those crazy thoughts shooting through my brain.

i got a message tonight that a friend of mine's parents were killed in a plane crash today, on their way back from the bahamas. they were finalizing plans for their son's wedding, that was supposed to be in 5 weeks. he's supposed to marry my best friend's sister. and i only met them once, but it's just one of those things, one of those tragedies that shakes you to your core, and makes you think about how short and delicate life is.

i was going to make this post into some introspective thoughts on my own life. but i think they deserve their own dedication. my thoughts and prayers are with their family. an unspeakable tragedy.

i'm grateful for the xanax tonight.

.and in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make.

every year on valentines day, my mom would set out individual baskets of strawberries for all of us kids. sometimes we'd get a little present too, like a pencil with hearts on it, or a tiny box of chocolates, and usually a note in our lunch telling us how much she loved us. and as a kid you're always like "mooooommmmm." but it was so nice. just a little token of love for each of us.

in elementary school, every year we'd all make a valentine mailbox, and people would bring in pre-packaged valentines, you know. the ones with the mini candy like smarties, or sweet tarts, or m+ms. the best ones were the ones with the tiny boxes of nerds...those kids were so legit in my book. but once in 5th grade, i got a real valentine card from mark taylor, and he said he was glad we were friends and he was glad to know me. he spelled valentines wrong, but i didn't care. i got a real card from a boy i had a crush on. i think he and i both blushed for a week after that. i think i still have that card somewhere...

i can remember almost every valentines day from college. having to work at cupid's hot dogs my sophomore year, and how it was busy because...it was -cupids- hot dogs. and how my coworker brought me flowers and balloons, and bought me a salad and a chocolate milkshake from the restaurant across the street. and how that morning, my friend erik had come over and made me pancakes before our test. and junior year, spending it with naomi, going shopping in santa barbara and her buying me mexican food, and later watching save the last dance in our pajamas while eating popcorn and drinking hot chocolate. i think we put our retainers in after that. i remember laughing a lot. and my senior year, spending it with nay and the girls watching gay porn, and drinking wine. love.

after college, it blurs a little, but i remember toi thai with angela, kat and naomi when we ran into adam brody and rachel bilson, and another night at el cholo with nay and the girls. or when my friend nick came to NY for work in 2009, but came to see me that night, and brought me flowers on his way in from the airport. and 2010....or "the day that never happened" with PJ and angela. emerald pub. tribeca grand. fist pumping. makeouts with tyler. and then last year, making the trip out to SF to spend another year with my naomi. kozy kar and asiaSF watching the trannies dance.

i am so lucky to be surrounded by so much love, romantic, friendly, or otherwise. just love. my heart hurts i love so much. plus, an excuse to dress up, or drink wine, or watch gay porn, or have a party, or whatever. that's cool with me. count me in. so i guess as it turns out, i'm actually a huge fan of valentines day. and someday when i have a little girl, i'm going to give her her own basket of strawberries, and write her a note in her lunch, and give her a cute little pencil, too. and make sure she knows that she's loved, and doesn't ever need a man to justify that for her.

.the wrong way.

do you ever think sometimes you might be doing it wrong? life, i guess is what i mean though i think that comes off sounding wayyyy more depressing than i'm intending it to. but really, i'm honestly asking, do you ever do something knowing that it's the exact wrong thing for you to be doing? like that email i sent. wrong. that 4th glass of wine. wrong. those texts. that promise. wrong. wrong. this whole month...wrong? (or sooo right :))

i mean i have to wonder too, if i'm obsessing over these things though (probably). the catch-22 of it all is that while i'm sitting here wondering if i'm "doing it wrong," everyone else has moved on. i'm even reacting to doing it wrong, wrong. *le woe*

i know it's all part of learning. but why does it seem hard? i feel like i'm on the cusp of something great, some big change, some 'what does it all mean' discovery, but the road to get there is paved with learning curves that i obsess over. why am i so afraid to fail? WHY AM I SO AFRAID TO FAIL. in learning you're supposed to be able to make mistakes. but i seem to have a hard time allowing myself to do so. like i set a precedence for myself i can never attain, i try to attain it, can't, fail, and reprimand myself for something i could have never done in the first place. WHY DO I TAKE MYSELF SO SERIOUSLY.

relax. i need to relax. i need to change meds. i probably need to see someone. laugh. i need to laugh more at myself. you only live once. why not send things? why not take chances. risks. try and maybe succeed. try is the operative word. be not afraid.

ok, i think i just pepped myself up. see how writing can help meagen? let's try to do more of that. so bring it on 2012. i may not have control over everything life gives me, but i sure as hell can control my attitude towards it.

.goodbye horses.

last year it snowed on thanksgiving. i went to autumn's house, like i had done the year prior, excited about my second 'friendsgiving,' but still getting used to not being with my family. and of course, there was lots of good food and a rowdy game of apples to apples, followed by a trip to the bars. i miss those times. those friends.

things are different this year. not necessarily better or worse, but definitely different. looking forward to giving thanks with other people, but still great friends. change is good, i think.

there are a lot of things that are going on in my life that i wish i could freely write about without judgement, but unfortunately (or fortunately), some things must remain anonymous. just know that if i'm a little snappier than normal, it's probably not you...it's me.

wow, this is the first time i've written in a while. it feels nice. weird. i still feel like something is holding me back. some writer's block. some dishonesty. perhaps once i'm honest with myself, the words will flow through me with ease.

until then....

.alcohols.

i think i drew carbon structures while wasted last night. with double bonds. and alcohols.

fitting, really. and good to know that i can still remember SOME of o-chem...when i'm wasted. which was the perpetual state of college anyway.

it's all coming together.

.it's easy to see the beginnings of things, and harder to see the ends.

a week ago, i received the lease renewal for my apartment saying my landlord wanted to raise my rent $150/month. after last year's $56/month raise, i called the management company to ask what was up, and received nothing more than "sorry, the market is hot right now. we're not willing to compromise." so i said fuck them and went on my merry way to look for another apartment. turns out, the market is hot right now...meaning, even for a 350 sq ft apartment that is now going to be $1600....i have a pretty solid deal. i mean i have a HUGE bathroom i can sit down in without my knees touching the wall. and that, my non-NY friends, is something to hold on to.

i read an article recently that i really enjoyed, that sort of summed up why it is NY folk really "heart" NY even though sometimes, it's rough to live here. i was really lucky to have ended up here the way i did, with work footing the bill for my move AND putting me up in a temporary apartment for a few months while i got acquainted, and looked for someplace to call home. i'm lucky that the economy had just failed and real estate had dropped so significantly that i was able to find a decent, albeit small, apartment in an area that i feel more than safe walking around in past midnight. but getting that apartment....i mean. the first apartment i was shown had poop in the toilet...like...A LOT of poop. i saw some dirty DIRTY cockroach probably bedbug ridden small ass apartments that smelled of a veritable pu-pu (zing!) platter of cuisines. i had my first good NY cry on rivington street because i had NO idea where i was, and i had to pee so badly but i couldn't find a bathroom. i ended up finding one in a biergarten (that i've never been back to, oddly enough), and ordering glass after glass of wine thinking to myself (and quite possibly aloud to the bartender), why the fuck anyone would choose to move here. that was almost three years ago.

so i found that article, and felt that tingly warm feeling that creeps into your heart. so i read some of the comments, and interestingly enough it turns out that this article was a total "twenty something blogger's ripoff" of a joan didion article from 1967. so i found that article, and it starts here:

"it's easy to see the beginnings of things, and harder to see the ends."

and i knew she had known what i am feeling now, and why somehow, after i said i would give this city a year or two, i find myself signing yet another year lease that will take me through almost four. and who knows what awaits after that?

i'm creeping up on my 28th birthday and with that comes the sneaking suspicion that i might not be that young anymore, and maybe should think about "the fewtcha." my mom had 2 kids by now at my age, and i'm still doing shots at 4:30am screaming mr big's "to be with you" at the top of my lungs, while willing myself in and out of situations that may not be in my best interest. i keep telling myself it's fun for now. but how long does "now" last before i start doing things to work TOWARDS something. towards some sort of goal. or am i doing that? subconsciously. all i know is that somehow, in some way, this is the first city i've lived in that i haven't had one foot in and one foot out. and it's made me think. maybe this is right. maybe this is what i want, and the things i thought i wanted may not be that important anymore. i'm making new goals. i guess what matters is that i'm happy, and i'm recognizing i have it in me to break the cycle.

and maybe that. that is why i still choose to heart ny.

find yourself, here.
http://www.mtholyoke.edu/~zkurmus/html/didion.html

.helplessness blues.

oh fleet foxes. you've done it again.



in the comments, there's a lot about it being like dylan's "4th time around," which is i'm sure why this song jumped out at me on the new album. and thus, the sundays with dylan have come full modern circle.

.the miracle of man.

thought for the day.

"but we were born of risen apes, not fallen angels, and the apes were armed killers besides. and so what shall we wonder at? our murders and massacres and missiles, and our irreconcilable regiments? or our treaties whatever they may be worth; our symphonies however seldom they may be played; our peaceful acres, however frequently they may be converted into battlefields; our dreams however rarely they may be accomplished. the miracle of man is not how far he has sunk but how magnificently he has risen. we are known among the stars by our poems, not our corpses."

— robert ardrey

.times, they are a changing.

it's getting to be springtime in NY, which means cherry blossoms and some warmer weather (three whole days of it!). and with the spring has come some changes, and i've found myself in the world of freelance post producing; a change i am both excited and ohshitterrified about. but one thing i'm coming to find i that this whole time off in between gigs is pretty fantastic. i stayed in my pajamas all day today. that's right. all. day. and it's tuesday which means law and order: SVU marathon. fuck.yes. but of course, with everything else, a lot of questions have popped up about, you know. life. naturally, because god forbid a change happens in my life without making me have to re-evaluate EVERYTHING. sheesh. can't i just let the chips fall where they may? do i have to try and control everything? (the answer is unfortunately, yes...but i'm trying to work on that).

so the main question is: what do -i- want. what does meagen want. hmmm. i think the answer right now is simply "change," and i assume the answers will make themselves clearer once i get fully involved with this new chapter in my life. and i'll realize if freelancing is what i want to do, or maybe it's leaving advertising all together. moving to freaking spain and living there for a year. or moving back to LA....(mom, don't get too excited yet...i said maybe). but that's i think why i'm excited about this. to work at new places, experience new things, meet new people. it's interesting because it usually takes me a few months to be fully comfortable working somewhere, so this will be a personal goal and challenge for me to open up sooner. (TEAR DOWN THAT WALL). changes.

and NY. oh NY. it's been a crazy 3 weeks hasn't it? it's funny, because the reason i am here (for my job) isn't there anymore. so it really has been making me think. (should i stay or should i go now). and it's just interesting. there have been a lot of disenchanting things about NY that i've been experiencing lately. like my bed bath and beyond experience. the long and short of it is: i was stalked in the store by a gentleman who kept popping up to say "SEXY," and then left at the checkout counter for 15 mins while we waited for the back to find a UPC code while my checker proceeded to sing katy perry and shoot the shit with her manager, neither of which decided to acknowledge nor help me. 15. minutes. that's an eternity. beyond. or today, while trying to find stamps. they don't sell them at the drugstore or markets here, so i found what the lower east side thinks is a post office aka 10x12 storefront with 1 disgruntled employee who when i asked for a bubble mailer, bent down and said "move bitch" to her coworker in order to get it. that was after the elderly foreign man tried to cut me in line because he thought the checker would "remember him." charming. or waking up at 7:30am because someone is filming something about the pickle place underneath your apt, while at 4am the same morning a group of bargoers decides to break into song and dance underneath your window. yes. NY. you're on my shitlist right now.

but in this city live a lot of people and places i'd miss dearly. and it's hard to think about leaving them. fuck, i can't leave them. i need them. alright NY...you still have a little bit of a hold on me. damnit. so i guess in the coming months, i'm hoping to split more of my time with LA, and decide what's really the best for me. and maybe it's bicoastal-ism. a balance of the two, so i can live both lives. or maybe it's committing to a location. either way, i know good things are coming. the bartender at the whiskey ward said so. and she knows me better than anyone.

times, they are a changing.

.dreamer.

i took this personality test below, and this is the results. dead on accurate. weird, since the test is just shapes.

http://www.hypnoid.com/psytest2.html

You have a poetic sensibility and an ability to see beyond the day to day. You often seem to be living in a higher realm, or to be not-of-this-earth. Occasionally you imagine interior lives for friends and associates that are near-complete fabrications based on your fears or hopes for the future. You are often not aware of your own feelings. You have a strong sense of right and wrong, and because of this are often disappointed. Despite what can sometimes be a destructive inward-turning anger, you are very gentle. You are sometimes a bit out of touch with the ebb and flow of modern life. If your behavior is out of synch with your moral values, a severe psychic disturbance can result. Because connectivity is so important to you, you can become quiet and sulky if you feel that others around do not understand your point of view.

.that one person.

.that one person.

sometimes when i'm feeling bored and less than inspired, i like to read old journal entries that i wrote years ago, and go back to what i was doing on this day 4,5,6 etc years ago. i think i may have said that before...but whatever. it's been a month since that journal entry. almost to the day. weird. my nostalgia has timing.

anyway, i found this one particularly interesting. this was in my last quarter of college at cal poly, winding down from the whole "college experience" and trying even then...to figure out 'what it all means'

April 7th, 2005

i think what i miss most about being in a relationship is that time after you all hang out with your friends, or you finish watching a movie, or are at the bars. and you decide who's house to go to...for me, it was usually his, because he had the bigger bed. and then you put on pajamas, and if i didn't have any with me, i'd wear his. and we'd snuggle close and he'd hold me, and my head would rest in that place between his shoulder and his chest. and i would fall asleep, and i could hear his steady breath.

it feels like sometimes now that i'm too busy, or too proud, or too pseudo-confident to let myself get involved again. i try and play off what i'm really feeling to seem like i understand what's going on. i don't call because when i do, you have other plans, or can only stop by for a minute. instead of kissing you, i hug you. instead of laying on you, i wait for your hand to brush my knee and signal that it's ok. i overcompensate for my insecurities.

i'm not sure what kind of relationship i'm in right now. or maybe i do, and i don't want to admit it to myself. we kissed for the first time in a month tonight, and instead of a million butterflies, it felt as though maybe 1 or 2 had stuck around, waiting to see if anything else would happen. i've been jaded, and still i keep coming back for more. for not ever having sex, i've sure been screwed a lot.

i know what i'm supposed to do, and i know how i should feel. but something keeps telling me it's going to be alright. and sometimes, the heart knows reason that reason can't understand.

it's my last quarter, and i'm going with the flow. i'm taking medication that allows me not to feel as greatly, which sometimes helps and sometimes hurts. but i suppose in all, i'm having a hell of a lot of fun enjoying my last 2 months in san luis. god, it's been a crazy ride. and i can't even imagine what kind of things are to come.

i hope, though, that in my life, i will find that person who i will kiss instead of hug, and love instead of crush. and i think in that moment, will i be content.

the funny thing is, i could have written this yesterday, or a year ago, or even 5 years ago. seems as though i have a bit of a pattern going on. but i think it's come to a point where i can't just go back and read these things and say "weird, i live my life in a constant cycle." i need figuring out now. figuring out how to break the cycle. to get back into the place where i was so content. i did it once, i can get out of my own head and do it again.

ugh. i need a vacation from my head. a perma-vacation.

.things realized.

last night i decided to make the lasagna again, when i realized that my tiny NY apartment just really isn't conducive to cooking. but i love doing it so much, that i try and make it work, usually with several frustrations along the way. last night, these are things that i realized:

i have no counter space in which to prep my meals, so a lot of the scraps end up on the floor.
my stove has 4 burners, but it can only house 2 pots at a time.
my oven can fit a 9"x13" pan......barely.
the sink has no garbage disposal...and that's just dumb.
doing the dishes right after cooking kind of blows.

then...after spending the 2 hours prepping/cooking/baking the lasagna, i tended to my laundry and getting ready for bed. additional things realized:

when i go to grab my toothbrush out of the medicine cabinet, about 5 other items simultaneously fall out. this happens every time.
when i pick up my laundry, most of it will still be wet, so i'll need to hang it.
...my shower curtain rod is not sturdy enough to have more than 6 items hung on it before it will fall.
i don't have a lot of other places to hang things in my apt.
my closet is really small.
and/or i have too much laundry.

and a lot of these things continually frustrate me, and it's hard not to yell "GODDAMNIT" when my entire medicine cabinet empties into the sink, or when a cup of chopped onions falls onto the ground while i'm chopping mushrooms because i don't have enough room for everything. so knowing this, and dealing with it, why is it that i continue to live here? it's insanity that i have no space to do things i enjoy in my own apartment. so then i'll venture outside my apartment, but then my face freezes and i'll get pissed off at the ice slick on the stairs and the fact that even though it's sunny, it doesn't mean it's warm. and i think that spring is never coming. so why? why do you continue to taunt me NY?

because amidst all of this frustration, i woke up last night and heard the rain when it broke, lightly pitter-pattering on the awning of the storefront down beneath me. and sometimes i wonder if anyone else has the opportunity to walk through 3 cultures on your way to work (chinatown, little italy, and the lower east side), pausing briefly to stare at the view of the empire state building in the morning sun. and how amazing central park looks covered in the snow. and all the food. and bars. and cultchah! i mean yes. i hate it here and i love it here. and i go through the daily flip flop everyday, in the morning going from "that's it! i'm out of here, i'm going back to california..this is ridiculous"....to later that night walking home in the brisk air watching the sun go down over the jersey, thinking maybe this isn't so terrible after all. in fact, it's kind of amazing.

so right now, today. i heart ny.

but tomorrow may be another battle.

.this is not at outdoor ed, this is now.

May 21, 1994

Dear Diary,

I like Scott as a friend. But you still can't tell anyone. I have written a lot of pages in my diary. I hope no one reads this. I just woke up a half hour ago, 7:00. It is a saturday morning and I am tired! We have to get out early 'cause my mom has to get her hair cut. I forgot to mention Outdoor Ed in March. you want to hear about it? Okay! In March, we went on a bus trip to Cottontail Ranch, where Outdoor Ed was being held. My counselors name was Alissa. She was nice. We made visors, and I still have mine. At Outdoor Ed we watched a movie about the Lorax. The Lorax is this little guy trying to save the earth. One quote is "I am the Lorax, I speak for the trees!" At the end we also had a talent show. Our group did excersising a weird way. Shannon T was the top of the body and I was the legs. And we did excersises. Also at the end of Outdoor Ed, we had a square dance. I got to dance with Wes, Shannon got to dance with Daniel, Christina got to dance with her cousin Mike Milliotti, and Kristine got to dance with Jason. That is what i was telling you about last night. He was jealous cause he didn't get to dance with me, Wes did. Then they got into a fight and were not speaking to each other. Now they are friends. I think Mark Taylor thinks I don't like him. This is not at Outdoor Ed, this is now. But I do like Mark Taylor. He doesn't believe me. Oh well! Gotta go.

Love, Meagen

**notes from the awkward author:

-whoa. first of all, who did i think i was? "mark taylor was so jealous because wes got to dance with me"...i apparently had a very high opinion of myself.
-i had 4 boyfriends that year. mark taylor, daniel dregne, mike nickeas, and wes rundle. and by boyfriends, i mean we all played together at recess and i got nervous around all of them.
-i remember alissa writing in my outdoor ed book how i was going to be a "heartbreaker" when i grew up because of all my men. like i've said before, i think i peaked in 5th grade.
-exercising is still a difficult word for me to spell
-teehee. the lorax.

.10 thoughts on thursday.

1. i could absolutely live off of mozzarella/tomato/basil paninis for the rest of my life. that or pizza. cheese is the common theme here....

2. there is such a thing as wearing "too much" green.

3. i feel kind of patriotic/nostalgic being in NY on st paddys day. i know it's not as big of a celebration in ireland, but being here knowing my ancestors were here drinking it up in hell's kitchen in the 1880s....kind of cool. o'carrolls!

4. i don't understand how a lot of people have the jobs they do...and continue to keep them.

5. there are few things better than an irish car bomb.

6. i know i'm getting old when i refused an irish coffee this morning because "i had to do a lot of work." 24 year old meagen would have drank it. even 26 year old meagen. sigh. and the race to 30 continues...

7. autumn is going to have her baby in less than 3 months. AHHHHHH.

8. i still like writing on whiteboards as much as i did in elementary school when they starting replacing all the chalkboards.

9. conference calls are stupid.

10. when i videochat, i end up looking at myself most of the time. insecurity, narcissism, or reckless honesty?

.keep it comin love.

whatever this feeling is, i like it. x

.adjustments.

it's really funny seeing a movie set in new york city...when you're in new york city. as soon as the character turns a corner around a recognizable building, or the camera slow pans over central park, or rests for a moment on an iconic sign there's a rush of whispers in the movie audience "oooh, that's union square"..."did you see? that's the building where i work." it's so funny to me since we all live here...why do we feel the need to point it out? yet, i was totally guilty of squealing "coffee shop!" in a satisfied whisper during the adjustment bureau. i guess it's that warm sense of common familiarity. it's nice.

and what about the adjustment bureau? i liked it. and i'm not giving anything away by commenting on it, as we all knew it was god-like intervention and not like...aliens or monsters or anything....right? hopefully. but it's an interesting argument to think about. nature vs nurture. free will vs fate. do we choose our paths in life, or are they mapped out for us? perhaps a combination of both?

earlier this week i played my favorite game called "let's read my old journals and see where i was on this day...6.7.8 etc years ago." i've kept journals all my life (hence the occasional childhood diary posts), and since 2001 have kept various online journals, often losing interest in one and starting another. i've got quite a bitchin' cyberlife. but anyway, the point is that on october 27th, 2004 in my 4th year of college, i wrote this:

i've decided to graduate in june with a degree in nutritional science, and a minor in psychology as planned. i've also recently decided i'm not going to attend graduate school....yet. i'm just not ready. nutrition isn't my passion and there is no reason to waste money to specialize in something that i'm not exactly sure that i want to end up doing for the rest of my life.

so i've decided [almost randomly, but not entirely] that i'd like to try working in advertising for a while. i've been researching. and they usually accept all majors...with little to no experience. and i can write. i can work in groups. i'm enthusiastic. and i want to move to LA. to experience life. to make money. to be close to my family. to figure out what my passion really is. and maybe i'll find it out there.

eventually, i want to move to new york city. and live in an apartment and work maybe in an advertising firm out there. but not yet. i need some time to figure things out on my own. and it's not going to be easy. and it's going to be a lot of money, and effort. but i'm ready to put in the effort. because i'm happy about this decision.


weird right? they say that if you put it out there in the universe, things will happen. and all of that did. who knew that because i met a boy on a skiing trip, i was introduced to a band he knew who had just moved to california to try and make it big. and this band got signed to capitol records. and i made a friend on a tour bus who introduced me to a friend of hers from college. this friend had an internship at warner brothers records, and got me one too. from there, they recommended a temp agency specializing in entertainment. i went to work for a company that edited commercials. advertising. the company went through changes, and offered to move me to new york city. and here i am. all of my dreams came true.

so then. did i choose this path or was i destined to be here? who knows. but i guess the better question is...where do i want to go from here?

hmmmm.

.end rant.

5 thoughts for wednesday

1. when 2 of the same catalogs come to my apartment, addressed to me and the former tenant, why does it always feel more correct to read the one that is addressed to me?

2. who was the genius who ordered trash pickup in my apartment building monday morning at 5am and recycling every other tuesday morning at 5am? every time i hear a stray glass bottle clank down the stairs, i'm this much closer to unleashing some "violent love" sheen on them.

3. speaking of sheen, for 3 days i was super into it. on the 4th day i just started to feel weird that the media was enabling his rants. not to say i won't be quoting his mania for months. bi-winning. genius.

4. i'm realizing everyday, i'm becoming more like my mother. she always has a knack for knowing what we have when we're sick. i think that comes from raising 5 kids. when i started to feel sick on monday, i knew it was tonsilitis before i went to the mirror with a flashlight.

5. every teenager should be required to watch teen mom. period.

.i left my heart in san francisco.

great. fucking. weekend.

naked fish sushi. sake+beer. catching up on EVERYTHING. closing down the restaurant. social work brunch, with food that was anything but. sunshine. black socks on the clothesline. drinking in fort mason park ("is this legal?"). texas. the hot guy that fell on the cooler. reuniting with more old friends. marin. sunshine. kozy car. porn dance floor. waterbed. bartender matching us free shots with every drink we ordered. vodka soda. shot. vodka soda. shot. shot. "we bonded over judiasm." shot. LAAAAAASSSST CALLLLLLL. "we'll take one more vodka soda." vodka soda in a pint glass with grey goose. shot of manoshevitz.

walk along chestnut street. giant sandwich and salt and vinegar chips. huge diet coke. hangover. shopping. power nap. ASIA SF tranny show. "san francisco, where the women are strong and the men are pretty." early to bed. reading in bed like a married couple. naomi. gym. rain. delays. home. miss.

coming to a few realizations in life, where i may actually be wrong as much as i want to take control and be right. coming to a crossroads. thinking. feeling. sussing it out. trying to make sense of it. who i am. what this all means. why i can't be happy everyday. why everyday is a blessing and a fucking challenge. deep breaths. in. out. in. out. hearing my fingers tapping, knowing i'm starting to write again. feeling something. feeling...anything. everything.

decisions.

.moments.

.moments.

i won't let you see
what's buried underneath
at the risk
of losing
everything.

but sometimes i wish
you'd know me well enough
to see
me.
and know when your hand
accidentally grazes my thigh
that i'm waiting patiently
for the one time you decide
to let it linger
instead of pulling away
and laughing about how silly it would be
if we ever started dating
and shifting your gaze
to the latest temptress
to walk by baring more than a little
skin.

and sometimes i let my mind
wander
to what it would be like
if when you invited me over
you were hoping
as much as i was
that the hug goodbye
ended up in a kiss
and a fit of giggles
like schoolchildren
giddy with the promise
of what everyone says
is love.

i don't want most people
to see inside

but now i think i'm ready.

and in my head behind my eyes
i will wait.
for i still believe
every moment is a chance
for a new beginning.
just know
that it's been a while now
and though i wait
the clock ticks.
seconds to minutes
minutes to hours
and then to years.
a constant reminder
seeming to taunt...

how long do you wait
for a moment?

-originally drafted 8/10/10

.human after all.

i had one of those random moments yesterday morning on the subway that was so utterly human and made me so warm and tingly inside i have to share. humanity makes me so excited. ha.

it was the morning after the ice storm, and particularly slippery and dangerous outside, so i opted to take the subway the (2) stops into work. as i was descending the stairs ever so carefully to avoid breaking my ass, i heard the F train pulling into the station. i broke into a delicate run, praying i didn't fall in front of the 40 or so people in the subway station, including my favorite ray charles impersonator. though i'm not sure he'd be able to see me. right.

i made it into the subway car, turned around and breathed a sigh of relief. after living in NY for two years, i've come to appreciate the exquisite pleasure that is making the subway right before the doors close. suddenly, the girl in front of me reaches out like the incredible hulk and prys the doors open to let her (boyfriend?) in. after he comes in 2 other people try and squeeze themselves in the door as well, the last girl squeezing through as the subway car starts to move. we catch each others eyes briefly and exchange a warm glance that say something like "holy fuck, you made it!"

as the subway car jolts to a start, the crowd stands in silence, musing on what the day might hold. and no further than 15 seconds in, an automated message comes on the loudspeaker:

"ladies and gentlemen, please don't hold the doors."

i start to giggle and look up, as the same girl i exchanged the "holy fuck" glance with, is laughing too. the two of us catch each other looking again, and throw up our hands together signaling "i know, isn't this ridiculous"and then continue on the subway ride all the way to work.

i know that when i describe it, it sounds kinda dumb like. ok, so she looked at a girl in the subway. big whoop. but the feeling of being in sync with a stranger like that, is just one of those things, that direct display of humanity that is hard for me to ignore. life. one of the signs that we are alive. and everyone comes from different places, are going to different places. but for one moment to have your paths converge...is amazing. especially in new york. i rarely make eye contact here, because usually when you do it's scary.

but yesterday i did. and it was nice. we're not alone.

we're human after all.