.two boyfriends.

January 27th, 1994 8:02pm

Dear Diary.

I am in fifth grade. I have two boyfriends. Their names are Daniel Dregne and Mark Taylor. I like them a lot. They are cute! I most like Daniel, but Mark is coming close for a tie. I think they are a tie. I wrote a letter to each of them saying "What's up lover boy?" Cristie and I wrote them. They are signed your secret loverS. Cristie also likes Mark Taylor. Haley, my sister, LOVES Adam. I maybe LOVE Daniel and Mark. Meagen Marie Dregne. Hmmm...Meagen Marie Taylor. Eh? Meagen Marie Carroll. Yea! Huhhh. Gotta go!

Love, Meagen Carroll
8:11pm


**notes from the awkward author:

-daniel dregne was the first boy that ever pranked called me, and inevitably my first crush.
-towards the end of 5th grade, i had 4 boyfriends. i think i peaked in 5th grade
-wow, i didn't know the definition of love
-really? what's up lover boy? that was my flirtation technique?
-good thing i wrote the start and end time, and also signed my full name. in case my diary didn't know who it was from.

.glory box.

i'm so tired, of playing
playing with this bow and arrow
gonna give my heart away
leave it to the other girls to play
for I've been a temptress too long

just...

give me a reason to love you
give me a reason to be, a woman
i just wanna be a woman

from this time, unchained
we're all looking at a different picture
thru this new frame of mind
a thousand flowers could bloom
move over, and give us some room

give me a reason to love you
give me a reason to be, a woman
i just wanna be a woman

so don't you stop, being a man
just take a little look from our side when you can
sow a little tenderness
no matter if you cry

give me a reason to love you
give me a reason to be ee, a woman
its all I wanna be is all woman

for this is the beginning of forever and ever

its time to move over...

-portishead

.sunday, bloody sunday.

i think i'm going to make sundays a thing for this blog. in the past few months, it seems i've been using sundays as a day for self reflection. and what better way to self reflect than to allow myself to pour out my thoughts in a public forum. yes. sundays, bloody sundays.

as mentioned before, i feel like 27 has been quite a year for self discovery. it's funny to think back to 10 years ago in mrs. pott's english class. i remember as we were graduating high school, we had to do a final 'senior project' of sorts, by choosing a theme for our life thus far, and making a 10 min speech about it in front of the class. mine, fittingly enough, was 'self-discovery.' and interestingly enough, 10 years later....it's still the theme.

i think what you would label me as, would be 'existentialist.' since i was very young, i've been on a quest to find out not only the meaning of life, but the meaning of MY life. why am i here? what is this? what does it all mean? and maybe that's a tad narcissistic, but maybe that's just me. who's to judge?

anyway, my point is. i may not always be right, and sometimes i may not even be nice. but know that i'm always sincere.

(even when 5 jameson and gingers deep.)

i wear my emotions on my skin. and maybe, just maybe. i'm starting to think it's not a bad thing.

.bridge over troubled water.

tonight is one of those perfect NY nights. warm, but no humidity, and calm with that relaxed vibe of summer. and as i sit here typing, i look to the right out my window, and it just reinforces how much i absolutely love living here.

of course, this perfect NY night really starts to remind me of EVERY night in LA, and of course the night wouldn't be complete without a bout of nostalgia. the air tonight reminds me of those summer nights when i was a kid. and we had been swimming in the pool all day. playing tube races, and little mermaid, and daily exercises, and then my mom would make nachos. and we'd swim up to the side of the pool, and grab a handful of the hot, salty, gooey chips, hands still dripping with pool water, getting them soggy but not caring in the slightest. nothing tasted as good as those nachos. and then after spending the whole day outside, we'd shower, eat dinner together as a family, and then go for a walk at dusk. hair still wet. in our pajamas. weather like this. nice.

it's sunday night, which means i'm alone in my apartment listening to bob dylan, and trying to hang onto the fantastic feeling that only comes with having a great weekend. realizing i've grown a lot this year, and while i was most worried about turning 27, so far it's proved to be one of the better years of my 20s. realizing that while i'm not quite ready to TEAR DOWN THAT WALL, i'm peering over the top...wondering where i can get a hard hat and a mallet. progress.

i heard this quote today, and i'm happy to say that this is how i feel with where i'm at in my life. and hope to continue crossing bridges, and remembering just the flint of a feeling that may have once been, replaced with the fire of something greater.

We cross our bridges when we come to them and burn them behind us, with nothing to show for our progress except a memory of the smell of smoke, and a presumption that once our eyes watered.

-tom stoppard

good things are coming.