.i left my heart in san francisco.

great. fucking. weekend.

naked fish sushi. sake+beer. catching up on EVERYTHING. closing down the restaurant. social work brunch, with food that was anything but. sunshine. black socks on the clothesline. drinking in fort mason park ("is this legal?"). texas. the hot guy that fell on the cooler. reuniting with more old friends. marin. sunshine. kozy car. porn dance floor. waterbed. bartender matching us free shots with every drink we ordered. vodka soda. shot. vodka soda. shot. shot. "we bonded over judiasm." shot. LAAAAAASSSST CALLLLLLL. "we'll take one more vodka soda." vodka soda in a pint glass with grey goose. shot of manoshevitz.

walk along chestnut street. giant sandwich and salt and vinegar chips. huge diet coke. hangover. shopping. power nap. ASIA SF tranny show. "san francisco, where the women are strong and the men are pretty." early to bed. reading in bed like a married couple. naomi. gym. rain. delays. home. miss.

coming to a few realizations in life, where i may actually be wrong as much as i want to take control and be right. coming to a crossroads. thinking. feeling. sussing it out. trying to make sense of it. who i am. what this all means. why i can't be happy everyday. why everyday is a blessing and a fucking challenge. deep breaths. in. out. in. out. hearing my fingers tapping, knowing i'm starting to write again. feeling something. feeling...anything. everything.

decisions.

.moments.

.moments.

i won't let you see
what's buried underneath
at the risk
of losing
everything.

but sometimes i wish
you'd know me well enough
to see
me.
and know when your hand
accidentally grazes my thigh
that i'm waiting patiently
for the one time you decide
to let it linger
instead of pulling away
and laughing about how silly it would be
if we ever started dating
and shifting your gaze
to the latest temptress
to walk by baring more than a little
skin.

and sometimes i let my mind
wander
to what it would be like
if when you invited me over
you were hoping
as much as i was
that the hug goodbye
ended up in a kiss
and a fit of giggles
like schoolchildren
giddy with the promise
of what everyone says
is love.

i don't want most people
to see inside

but now i think i'm ready.

and in my head behind my eyes
i will wait.
for i still believe
every moment is a chance
for a new beginning.
just know
that it's been a while now
and though i wait
the clock ticks.
seconds to minutes
minutes to hours
and then to years.
a constant reminder
seeming to taunt...

how long do you wait
for a moment?

-originally drafted 8/10/10

.human after all.

i had one of those random moments yesterday morning on the subway that was so utterly human and made me so warm and tingly inside i have to share. humanity makes me so excited. ha.

it was the morning after the ice storm, and particularly slippery and dangerous outside, so i opted to take the subway the (2) stops into work. as i was descending the stairs ever so carefully to avoid breaking my ass, i heard the F train pulling into the station. i broke into a delicate run, praying i didn't fall in front of the 40 or so people in the subway station, including my favorite ray charles impersonator. though i'm not sure he'd be able to see me. right.

i made it into the subway car, turned around and breathed a sigh of relief. after living in NY for two years, i've come to appreciate the exquisite pleasure that is making the subway right before the doors close. suddenly, the girl in front of me reaches out like the incredible hulk and prys the doors open to let her (boyfriend?) in. after he comes in 2 other people try and squeeze themselves in the door as well, the last girl squeezing through as the subway car starts to move. we catch each others eyes briefly and exchange a warm glance that say something like "holy fuck, you made it!"

as the subway car jolts to a start, the crowd stands in silence, musing on what the day might hold. and no further than 15 seconds in, an automated message comes on the loudspeaker:

"ladies and gentlemen, please don't hold the doors."

i start to giggle and look up, as the same girl i exchanged the "holy fuck" glance with, is laughing too. the two of us catch each other looking again, and throw up our hands together signaling "i know, isn't this ridiculous"and then continue on the subway ride all the way to work.

i know that when i describe it, it sounds kinda dumb like. ok, so she looked at a girl in the subway. big whoop. but the feeling of being in sync with a stranger like that, is just one of those things, that direct display of humanity that is hard for me to ignore. life. one of the signs that we are alive. and everyone comes from different places, are going to different places. but for one moment to have your paths converge...is amazing. especially in new york. i rarely make eye contact here, because usually when you do it's scary.

but yesterday i did. and it was nice. we're not alone.

we're human after all.