i never know where to post these things. my other blog seems too upbeat and to be honest today i'm not really feelin' it.
it's the holidays. i always grew up really loving and looking forward to them. why since i've gotten older have they gotten so hard?
i suppose i'm in a unique experience currently. i gave up my NY apartment in may and have been bouncing back and forth between santa monica and new york, working in each place, living with friends, subletting or housesitting. never really committing to one place or another. creating space between me and them. the city? my life? maybe both.
i don't feel connected. to anyone or anything. i feel alone. i feel like i can't focus on what i'm doing to get myself out of this situation. like i've sunk so far down that there isn't a way to dig myself back out. even now, as i'm writing i'm really not paying attention. i see my fingers tapping on the keys and i know that i'm thinking, writing, tapping, tap tap tap tap. but it's like i'm outside my body.
i don't know. and now it feels like i'm back a little bit. i'm looking on the soul cycle website trying to decide if i can commit to waking up early tomorrow. i have to be at work at 10 on a saturday and that leaves me with an 8am class option with a 1/2 hour commute. do i do it?
help me.