.dreamer.

i took this personality test below, and this is the results. dead on accurate. weird, since the test is just shapes.

http://www.hypnoid.com/psytest2.html

You have a poetic sensibility and an ability to see beyond the day to day. You often seem to be living in a higher realm, or to be not-of-this-earth. Occasionally you imagine interior lives for friends and associates that are near-complete fabrications based on your fears or hopes for the future. You are often not aware of your own feelings. You have a strong sense of right and wrong, and because of this are often disappointed. Despite what can sometimes be a destructive inward-turning anger, you are very gentle. You are sometimes a bit out of touch with the ebb and flow of modern life. If your behavior is out of synch with your moral values, a severe psychic disturbance can result. Because connectivity is so important to you, you can become quiet and sulky if you feel that others around do not understand your point of view.

.that one person.

.that one person.

sometimes when i'm feeling bored and less than inspired, i like to read old journal entries that i wrote years ago, and go back to what i was doing on this day 4,5,6 etc years ago. i think i may have said that before...but whatever. it's been a month since that journal entry. almost to the day. weird. my nostalgia has timing.

anyway, i found this one particularly interesting. this was in my last quarter of college at cal poly, winding down from the whole "college experience" and trying even then...to figure out 'what it all means'

April 7th, 2005

i think what i miss most about being in a relationship is that time after you all hang out with your friends, or you finish watching a movie, or are at the bars. and you decide who's house to go to...for me, it was usually his, because he had the bigger bed. and then you put on pajamas, and if i didn't have any with me, i'd wear his. and we'd snuggle close and he'd hold me, and my head would rest in that place between his shoulder and his chest. and i would fall asleep, and i could hear his steady breath.

it feels like sometimes now that i'm too busy, or too proud, or too pseudo-confident to let myself get involved again. i try and play off what i'm really feeling to seem like i understand what's going on. i don't call because when i do, you have other plans, or can only stop by for a minute. instead of kissing you, i hug you. instead of laying on you, i wait for your hand to brush my knee and signal that it's ok. i overcompensate for my insecurities.

i'm not sure what kind of relationship i'm in right now. or maybe i do, and i don't want to admit it to myself. we kissed for the first time in a month tonight, and instead of a million butterflies, it felt as though maybe 1 or 2 had stuck around, waiting to see if anything else would happen. i've been jaded, and still i keep coming back for more. for not ever having sex, i've sure been screwed a lot.

i know what i'm supposed to do, and i know how i should feel. but something keeps telling me it's going to be alright. and sometimes, the heart knows reason that reason can't understand.

it's my last quarter, and i'm going with the flow. i'm taking medication that allows me not to feel as greatly, which sometimes helps and sometimes hurts. but i suppose in all, i'm having a hell of a lot of fun enjoying my last 2 months in san luis. god, it's been a crazy ride. and i can't even imagine what kind of things are to come.

i hope, though, that in my life, i will find that person who i will kiss instead of hug, and love instead of crush. and i think in that moment, will i be content.

the funny thing is, i could have written this yesterday, or a year ago, or even 5 years ago. seems as though i have a bit of a pattern going on. but i think it's come to a point where i can't just go back and read these things and say "weird, i live my life in a constant cycle." i need figuring out now. figuring out how to break the cycle. to get back into the place where i was so content. i did it once, i can get out of my own head and do it again.

ugh. i need a vacation from my head. a perma-vacation.

.things realized.

last night i decided to make the lasagna again, when i realized that my tiny NY apartment just really isn't conducive to cooking. but i love doing it so much, that i try and make it work, usually with several frustrations along the way. last night, these are things that i realized:

i have no counter space in which to prep my meals, so a lot of the scraps end up on the floor.
my stove has 4 burners, but it can only house 2 pots at a time.
my oven can fit a 9"x13" pan......barely.
the sink has no garbage disposal...and that's just dumb.
doing the dishes right after cooking kind of blows.

then...after spending the 2 hours prepping/cooking/baking the lasagna, i tended to my laundry and getting ready for bed. additional things realized:

when i go to grab my toothbrush out of the medicine cabinet, about 5 other items simultaneously fall out. this happens every time.
when i pick up my laundry, most of it will still be wet, so i'll need to hang it.
...my shower curtain rod is not sturdy enough to have more than 6 items hung on it before it will fall.
i don't have a lot of other places to hang things in my apt.
my closet is really small.
and/or i have too much laundry.

and a lot of these things continually frustrate me, and it's hard not to yell "GODDAMNIT" when my entire medicine cabinet empties into the sink, or when a cup of chopped onions falls onto the ground while i'm chopping mushrooms because i don't have enough room for everything. so knowing this, and dealing with it, why is it that i continue to live here? it's insanity that i have no space to do things i enjoy in my own apartment. so then i'll venture outside my apartment, but then my face freezes and i'll get pissed off at the ice slick on the stairs and the fact that even though it's sunny, it doesn't mean it's warm. and i think that spring is never coming. so why? why do you continue to taunt me NY?

because amidst all of this frustration, i woke up last night and heard the rain when it broke, lightly pitter-pattering on the awning of the storefront down beneath me. and sometimes i wonder if anyone else has the opportunity to walk through 3 cultures on your way to work (chinatown, little italy, and the lower east side), pausing briefly to stare at the view of the empire state building in the morning sun. and how amazing central park looks covered in the snow. and all the food. and bars. and cultchah! i mean yes. i hate it here and i love it here. and i go through the daily flip flop everyday, in the morning going from "that's it! i'm out of here, i'm going back to california..this is ridiculous"....to later that night walking home in the brisk air watching the sun go down over the jersey, thinking maybe this isn't so terrible after all. in fact, it's kind of amazing.

so right now, today. i heart ny.

but tomorrow may be another battle.

.this is not at outdoor ed, this is now.

May 21, 1994

Dear Diary,

I like Scott as a friend. But you still can't tell anyone. I have written a lot of pages in my diary. I hope no one reads this. I just woke up a half hour ago, 7:00. It is a saturday morning and I am tired! We have to get out early 'cause my mom has to get her hair cut. I forgot to mention Outdoor Ed in March. you want to hear about it? Okay! In March, we went on a bus trip to Cottontail Ranch, where Outdoor Ed was being held. My counselors name was Alissa. She was nice. We made visors, and I still have mine. At Outdoor Ed we watched a movie about the Lorax. The Lorax is this little guy trying to save the earth. One quote is "I am the Lorax, I speak for the trees!" At the end we also had a talent show. Our group did excersising a weird way. Shannon T was the top of the body and I was the legs. And we did excersises. Also at the end of Outdoor Ed, we had a square dance. I got to dance with Wes, Shannon got to dance with Daniel, Christina got to dance with her cousin Mike Milliotti, and Kristine got to dance with Jason. That is what i was telling you about last night. He was jealous cause he didn't get to dance with me, Wes did. Then they got into a fight and were not speaking to each other. Now they are friends. I think Mark Taylor thinks I don't like him. This is not at Outdoor Ed, this is now. But I do like Mark Taylor. He doesn't believe me. Oh well! Gotta go.

Love, Meagen

**notes from the awkward author:

-whoa. first of all, who did i think i was? "mark taylor was so jealous because wes got to dance with me"...i apparently had a very high opinion of myself.
-i had 4 boyfriends that year. mark taylor, daniel dregne, mike nickeas, and wes rundle. and by boyfriends, i mean we all played together at recess and i got nervous around all of them.
-i remember alissa writing in my outdoor ed book how i was going to be a "heartbreaker" when i grew up because of all my men. like i've said before, i think i peaked in 5th grade.
-exercising is still a difficult word for me to spell
-teehee. the lorax.