.that one person.

.that one person.

sometimes when i'm feeling bored and less than inspired, i like to read old journal entries that i wrote years ago, and go back to what i was doing on this day 4,5,6 etc years ago. i think i may have said that before...but whatever. it's been a month since that journal entry. almost to the day. weird. my nostalgia has timing.

anyway, i found this one particularly interesting. this was in my last quarter of college at cal poly, winding down from the whole "college experience" and trying even then...to figure out 'what it all means'

April 7th, 2005

i think what i miss most about being in a relationship is that time after you all hang out with your friends, or you finish watching a movie, or are at the bars. and you decide who's house to go to...for me, it was usually his, because he had the bigger bed. and then you put on pajamas, and if i didn't have any with me, i'd wear his. and we'd snuggle close and he'd hold me, and my head would rest in that place between his shoulder and his chest. and i would fall asleep, and i could hear his steady breath.

it feels like sometimes now that i'm too busy, or too proud, or too pseudo-confident to let myself get involved again. i try and play off what i'm really feeling to seem like i understand what's going on. i don't call because when i do, you have other plans, or can only stop by for a minute. instead of kissing you, i hug you. instead of laying on you, i wait for your hand to brush my knee and signal that it's ok. i overcompensate for my insecurities.

i'm not sure what kind of relationship i'm in right now. or maybe i do, and i don't want to admit it to myself. we kissed for the first time in a month tonight, and instead of a million butterflies, it felt as though maybe 1 or 2 had stuck around, waiting to see if anything else would happen. i've been jaded, and still i keep coming back for more. for not ever having sex, i've sure been screwed a lot.

i know what i'm supposed to do, and i know how i should feel. but something keeps telling me it's going to be alright. and sometimes, the heart knows reason that reason can't understand.

it's my last quarter, and i'm going with the flow. i'm taking medication that allows me not to feel as greatly, which sometimes helps and sometimes hurts. but i suppose in all, i'm having a hell of a lot of fun enjoying my last 2 months in san luis. god, it's been a crazy ride. and i can't even imagine what kind of things are to come.

i hope, though, that in my life, i will find that person who i will kiss instead of hug, and love instead of crush. and i think in that moment, will i be content.

the funny thing is, i could have written this yesterday, or a year ago, or even 5 years ago. seems as though i have a bit of a pattern going on. but i think it's come to a point where i can't just go back and read these things and say "weird, i live my life in a constant cycle." i need figuring out now. figuring out how to break the cycle. to get back into the place where i was so content. i did it once, i can get out of my own head and do it again.

ugh. i need a vacation from my head. a perma-vacation.