.don't think twice, it's all right.

i wish i smoked cigarettes
for the kind of mood i'm in now
deep breath in
seeing the smoke
cascade out
instead of words.

i wonder if it's the longing
that makes me want to put
something to my lips
to keep them still.

for the time being
i'll fill this
whatever this is
with bob
and david
the manifestations of
the fantastic.

and my fingers
tap tap tap
on the keys
wishing they
and i
were with you
instead.

.werewolves of new york.

it's amazing sometimes that seemingly recreational activities sometimes parallel things in your life. which just supports my ever increasing theory that this whole thing we're doing on this planet here is some kind of weird, social/societal experiment by something greater than us, and everything truly does happen for a reason. coincidences can't always be such, and maybe, shouldn't be ignored.

after discovering a website that allows you to stream movies, tv shows, etc online, i've now caught up on true blood, and since rediscovered my love for Californication. maybe it's a little bit of me missing california, or maybe it's that this show is so fucking amazing, i can't help but be increasingly charmed by it the more episodes i watch. and yes, hank moody is an egotistical-yet-oh-so-charming asshole. but isn't that why we love him? isn't that why the good girls always go for the bad boys?

anyway. my point is this. it's funny when you have these internal thoughts and dialogues trying to convince yourself to do things differently, even though every fiber in your body has been telling you for years to do them another, but not necessarily the correct, way. and then you're watching Californication, and these exact issues are being played out in front of you, and they reach resolution. and you cry a little.

and yes, i'm a sap. so i cry at everything. but man, that's weird. i keep telling myself, what californication says. in life. my friends, their experiences, their lives, their choices. it's not always about me. it's not always about me. IT'S NOT ALWAYS ABOUT ME. how can i get out of my head? i feel like it's a mess inside, but i have no motivation to pick up a broom to clean it up. (interestingly enough, this parallels the state of my apartment right now).

but seriously. i am really going to give this whole thing a try. and while the proverbial "it' may not always be about me, this damn blog still can be.

girl's gotta have something for herself now, right?

.can't get next to you, babe.

trying to drown out my thoughts
with music
letting the bassline
instead of my heart
pump through my ears

"can't get next to you, babe"

i might be flailing
trying not to think
so much
i need to get out of my
own head

reminding myself
it's not about me
it's not about me
it's not about me.