.universe.

had to post again today, because after sleeping on and off, making some delicious edamame, and finally ending the night with a bath, i turned the television back on after a 1/2 day long hiatus. guess what's on tbs?

you've got mail.

this life is funny. thanks universe :)

.sniffles.

i've been sick for the past week, though at this point it's really more of an annoyance than anything. i keep trying to go and do stuff because i think me being irritated that i'm sick will suddenly cure me. so far, no dice.

i am writing from my warm and cozy bed trying to decide if a sprite zero, grapes, and something yummy to snack on is worth braving the frigid 10 degree weather. what's more likely, is that i will continue to sit here and whine. i'm hating the winter right now. i am really hoping this doesn't last much longer than today because this whole isolation thing on the weekends is really boring.

alright..mask of zorro, 6 days 7 nights, and kill bill vol 2 down. come on tbs, maybe throw a you've got mail my way?

ughhhhhh.

.white winter hymnal.

yesterday in new york city, all anyone could talk about was the storm. i kept hearing words like NOR'EASTER. STORMWATCH 2K11. BLIZZARD. and the numbers kept fluctuating. 6-8 inches. 6-10 inches. 8-14 inches. 2 feet! bloomberg kept talking about his 15 point plan of action to attack the storm head on. the media was hyping the storm like it was the second coming of lebron james to nyc (credits to eddie berrang on that reference).

as i walked home from work to change for my nightly workout, the air was dry and cold, and the sky was ominous. i thought "should i stop for bread and milk on the way home? am i going to get snowed in?" i've never been through a said "nor'easter." should i be scared?

it started snowing while i was looking out over delancey street, on the treadmill at the gym. 9:06 mins on the treadmill, small flakes at first. 15:12 mins, big fluffy flakes began to drop from the sky. and as i increased my speed to 6.5, the wind came. i could see it blowing through the trees, and blowing the snow into scrunched, judging, new york faces.

i holed up in my apartment after that, happily eating my falafel wrap from three monkeys (omgredsauceinmymouth), and wearing my really ugly but really comfortable sweatpants while the heat comforted my chilly exterior. and later, as i snuggled under the covers, i looked out onto essex street and watched the snow accumulate...and then plowed away by bloombergs overreaction. at 1am. i say let it snow, but i guess i'm overruled.

unfortunately, this "nor'easter" was a total disappointment. this morning, instead of greeted by pristine white blankets of snow, by 9am the mound outside my apartment was black and slushy and it was business as usual. but i guess that's new york for you.

.School. (4 pages)

3/25/91

I went to school.
And we learnd Haiku.
Then we learnd Clerihu.
I have a Hamster.
I am maybe going to do a report on her and bring her to school.
We have to do dinosaur reports.
We have to do presidents reports.
We do math.
We do poetry.
We do (turn page -->)
dinosaur reports. We do presidents reports.
We do phonics.
We do Handwriteing.
We go to school at 8:10. We get out of school at 2:00.
I go in a carpool. Some people go home with their mom or dud.
We go to Music at 1:00 on Monday.
We go to the library at 1:00 on Wensday.
There are 29 people in the class.
There is a boy named Michell that comes at 1:00 almost every day. He is in a different class the rest of the day.
I am in Mrs. Howards class.
I am 7.
I am in second grade
We do lots of things.
We do reading silently and out loud.
We do siace. **(science??)
We do history.
We have pictures on the wall. like the human body and the four food groups. and sharing.
We have to follow directions.

THE END.

**notes from the awkward author..
wow, where to begin.
-first of all, i left all the spelling errors. apparently science was a really tough one for me at 7 years old. siace? ok.
-the "turn page" element was key in my diary. just in case whoever was reading it (mainly me) would know what to do once you got to the end of the page.
-when i started writing after the "turn page", i wrote the exact same sentences i had just written. i guess i forgot. damn turn page...
-michell was a kid from the 'special' class that was in our class. i don't think at 7 i quite understood why he wasn't in our class the rest of the day...just that he apparently had a different deal than the rest of us.
-mom or dud? uhhh ok.
-the ending kills me. "we have to follow directions. THE END."

classic megs.

.lean lasagna.

in an effort to save money and stop going out as much (and also to expend some of the ever growing energy i've miraculously acquired in the new year), i've decided to start cooking meals that i can enjoy multiple nights. i looked at one of my favorite cooking blog websites epicurious for inspiration, and found a recipe for lean lasagna with ground turkey, mushrooms, and spinach. delightful right?

Lean Lasagna
(originally from Self Magazine)

* Vegetable-oil cooking spray
* 1/2 cup chopped onion
* 1 lb ground turkey breast
* 3 cups tomato sauce
* 3 tsp Italian seasoning (or 1 tsp each dried basil, parsley, and oregano)
* 1/4 tsp freshly ground black pepper
* 1/4 tsp garlic powder
* 1/2 cup chopped mushrooms
* 6 cups chopped fresh spinach (or chard)
* 2 cups fat-free ricotta
* 1/4 tsp nutmeg
* 1 package whole-wheat lasagna noodles(about 8 oz, or 9 noodles)
* 2 cups (8 oz) shredded part-skim mozzarella

Preheat oven to 375°F. Spray a medium-sized nonstick skillet with cooking spray. Sauté onion for 2 minutes, then add turkey and cook an additional 5 to 7 minutes. Add tomato sauce, all seasonings and mushrooms and simmer 2 minutes. Remove pan from heat. In a bowl, combine spinach, ricotta, and nutmeg. Bring a large pot of salted water to boil. Cook pasta according to package directions until al dente. Drain and rinse with cool water. Coat a 9" x 13" baking pan with cooking spray. Arrange 1/3 lasagna noodles (3 noodles) on the bottom of the pan. Spread a layer of ricotta mixture, then turkey mixture, then 1/3 mozzarella. Repeat layers, ending with mozzarella. Bake 20 to 25 minutes or until cheese bubbles. Cool at least 5 minutes before cutting.

yeah. it is delightful. until you start making it. you know what's time consuming? making a lasagna from scratch. i wish the recipe was outlined a little clearer like at the beginning saying "IF YOU LIVE IN A NY APARTMENT, START BOILING WATER WHEN YOU PREHEAT THE OVEN." something like that. because that tiny stove i have i believe took 20-30 mins to heat up the 6 quarts of water i needed to boil for the noodles. insanity. so the process took a bit longer than i thought....like 1.5 hours longer than i thought. so i ended up eating something else for dinner because i was going to pass out from starvation. but i did taste it after and it was really, quite delicious.

so when i was optimistic about cooking dinner, i sauteed the onions and ground turkey and tomato sauce and simmered it and all that jazz.

while i was waiting for the water to boil (FML), i took the mixture off the heat and began chopping the spinach for the ricotta layer

then i layered the noodles (3) on each layer, followed by the ricotta/spinach mix, turkey/tomato mix, and part skim mozzarella.

i then caught up on some of what was happening on true life: i have a fetish.(WHAT IS THIS SHOW?), and found out that foot fetishes like everything about feet. like the way they sweat. and the way the smell when they sweat. and want them in their mouth. ok barf (no judgement). i guess i can cross foot fetish off the list of fetishes i don't have.

and after that lovely intermission, i then managed to peel myself off the couch when the buzzer rang to take this little beauty out of the oven.

whew. all in all, it was a great experience. i do feel like i'm learning and 'honing' if you will, my cooking skills. learning things about my kitchen. like about the stove not boiling water fast. and the oven light blows out almost everytime i cook and i'm terrified to re-light it (but i do it). and how i have almost no counter space to cook anything. but i made a lasagna. from scratch. that's pretty effing awesome.

way to go first monday of 2011. so far, so good.

.little bean.

dear little berrang bean.

hi! welcome to 2011. i suppose you're being born this year, so that's cool. way to bring awesomeness into an otherwise hum-drum year. except for that i turn 28 this year, and i heard that's a pretty good age. you'll understand when you're older than..well, a fetus.

so this new years eve, i celebrated with your mom and dad. your mom actually made it all the way to midnight! i was really proud of her. your daddy went and picked up sandwiches from our favorite restuarant for us, the meatball shop. so i guess you ate that too. meatball smash+broccoli. mmmmmm. is it your favorite restaurant too? we watched dick clark's rockin' new years eve. you know, by the time you're old enough to read this you may be like...who?? but he has hosted new years eve in NY almost every year since 1972. what are the 1900s you ask? i'll tell you sometime...

at midnight, your daddy popped champagne for him and i, while your mommy sipped on apple cider. we all ate strawberries and wore glittery hats and it was all in all a good time. next year you'll wear a glittery hat of your own! so crazy to think about.

how are things in the womb? yeah? eddie talks to you a lot, can you hear him? i'm sure you're getting plenty of good food and awesome music from your parents. do you like built to spill yet? i guess we should ease into it...some raffi, maybe some babysongs. wheels on the bus? that was a favorite of mine.

well, i'm at work right now so i probably should go. i'm seeing you later this week for your mom's famous risotto. yes, eating again. you'll fit right in when you're born.

can't wait to meet you. i love you.

auntie mc.

.love lust.

NYC, our torrid affair resumes tomorrow. i missed you, you little whore.x

.good vibrations.

you know, this week has been pretty fantastic. seeing so many old friends, spending quality time with the family, pretty much eating my body weight in caramel corn (totally fine) and really just enjoying myself and my time away from the snowpocalypse that is NYC right now. fuckin' a. sometimes i forget how beautiful california winters are, because i always wanted a white christmas growing up. but when you're on a beach cruiser on the venice boardwalk in a tshirt on december 28th, and are able to dine al fresco with a giant hefeweizen and your best friend...you kind of have to appreciate the beauty in a sunny, kick ass christmas.

driving back to westlake today, i took the PCH at sunset and popped in my little sister's "TOTALLY 90s" mix CD, which had some epic nostalg tunes on there. as i drove by the beach, i rolled down the window and yelled along with blur screaming "WOOOOHOOOOOOO," which was the perfect song to sum up every emotion that i was feeling at that moment.

and while i still love NYC, with it's 24 hour deliveries, open until 4am bars, random pugs left outside my apartment, and general awesome insanity...it has been so nice to be able to have this time to spend in my tshirt and light sweater, pondering where 2011 could possibly take me.

what a lucky girl i am. good things are coming.

.reflections.

let's see if i can remember correctly...

i started this year off in san francisco with my best friend, and will end it in my home of two years, NYC with my best friend of the east. i traveled to miami, vieques puerto rico, philadelphia (a few times), ithaca NY, mississippi, memphis TN, the delaware river, and of course, california. i attended 1 bachelorette and 3 weddings, one of which i was in...in a hot pink strapless dress no less.

this year i had a visitor from january through march, who ended up moving here and who is and will remain my best guy. i dog-sat for the first time and realized the bittersweet joy that comes with the responsibility of another.

this year i loved and was loved, and also had my heart broken...a few times. this year i managed to drink my body weight + on valentines day aka "the day that never happened," and discovered a new favorite, the hot toddy.

this year i made new friends, and rekindled friendships with old ones. i bartended for the first time during a guest bartending stint, providing the catalyst for one specific rekindle.

this year my mom, brother logan, and sister kelsey were able to visit me in NY, a visit where my mom was able to act (mainly drink) like a 20 year old, and was a big hit with the friends.

this year i was always busy with work, but got to produce a project with spike lee.

this year, my bestie of the east found out she was with child, and i was to become 'aunt hooters'...this name needs to be re-thought before that kid is born. :)

and while i'm breezing over a lot of things, just know that my reflections include what i choose to take away from this year, and bring to the next. while at times rough, and always unpredictable, i believe i have learned and grown a lot. at least, that's what i'm telling myself...

take the lessons learned from 2010 little one, and bring only the positive with you into 2011. i hear 28 is a good year....

.new york i love you, but you're bringing me down.

it's been while, that's for sure. and what excuse do i have other than i've been busy? so lame, i know. but for the most part it's the truth.

it's winter now, and with the temperature drop so does my motivation for wanting to go outdoors. but the good news, is that i have an old friend visiting who has forced me to get out of bed every morning to show him around this city i call home. it's funny when people visit, how excited i get showing them the restaurants i frequent, the neighborhood haunts i waste gloomy afternoons drinking hot toddys in, all the while narrating the abbreviated history i've been able to retain in my short 2 year stint here. ok ok lance, i'll get up. this time. but can we spend tomorrow in bed instead?

new york, i love you.

but inevitably with the cold, comes the bitter realization that i do live quite far away from my family and really, the nice warm weather i'd grown up with. and it's especially hard around the holidays, while they call me with excited shrieks about the size of the christmas tree, and vow to make the holiday cookies i so desperately miss baking with my mom and sisters. and i know, i'll be going home on tuesday evening. and i should be grateful i have a job that has allowed me to be able to take a full 10 days to visit them. but when you have a once a year visit, 10 days seems too short.

anyway, the moral of the story is. i'm excited it's december. i'm excited about christmas and candy canes and really, just spending quality time with people i've so desperately missed over the last year. and it only seems appropriate to leave you with this.



cali here i come xx

.destiny.

i was reading my old blog today, and came across this post i made, not 5 years ago. funny to think about where life takes you, and how other people can see things you may not realize until much, much later.


destiny. [Nov. 7th, 2005|12:46 am]
a priest from my parish came into my restaurant today with my catechism teacher and their friends. after they finished eating, we were talking about me and what i was doing with my life. after you tell someone you just graduated college, it's only natural for them to ask "so...what are you doing waitressing?"

so i explained that i wasn't sure if i wanted to pursue nutrition, i really liked working in the music industry, and i worked at a radio station in college which is where i spent most of my time, and blah blah blah. i'm interning at warner brothers records seeing if this is something i'd like to pursue.

the priest, father bill, clears his throat, and without even looking up from his plate says "you'll work in the media industry."

and my catechism teacher goes "really bill? you think so?"

and he says "absolutely" and takes another sip of his wine.

and it felt weird. i'm sitting there thinking...ok, so if he's a priest and saying this to me...does that mean God thinks i'm going in the music industry? i mean. how else am i supposed to think? and it's kind of exciting. because maybe that -is- what i'm supposed to be doing. my calling. this is the sign i'm supposed to take as that life changing moment where clarity reveals itself and the road to the rest of my life is laid out in front of me. the moment that inspires me to do well and to go forth and prosper and really make something of myself.

but then again. this is the same priest who ordered a double wild turkey on the rocks.

luckily, we were out.

.on the verge.

of something awesome.

.adequacy.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

-nelson mandela

.didn't even tell her mom.

April 20, 1995

Dear Diary,

I am so mad. I got a B+ in math. Phooey. I wanted to get straight As. So much for that idea. I am going to try harder next time. Oh. Guess what! I like Chris Finnefrock. But guess what. he likes Lindsey Jamba. Lindsey has her bellybutton pierced. And she didn't even tell her mom!!! Her sister did it. Oh well.

GOTTA GO!!! BYE BYE!!!

Love, Meagen


**notes from the awkward author
-i love that i'm mad that i got a B+. i'm pretty sure the reason behind this is because my math teacher was dyslexic and i had a hard time following her. ironically, her name was mrs. perfect.
-i fell mad hard for chris finnefrock. we had the same nanny at times and i pumped her for information. standard
-i love how shocking it is that she "didn't even tell her mom!!"

god i'm a nerd.

.9.11.

i wasn't living in new york on 9/11/01.

it is one hour until 9/11/10, and i sit in my 350 sqft apartment in the lower east side thinking about the moment that (dare i say?) defined our generation. or at the very least, separated my generation from so many others. changed everything. when my kids are old enough to learn about it in school, they will one day be asking me where i was when 9/11 happened. and i will have this brief recall of my memory to show them.

i remember waking up that morning. i was leaving for my freshman year of college in a week, and was living at my parents house anxious to get up to san luis obispo where i would begin my new, adult life. i remember walking out of the room i shared with my sister to see the TV on in the playroom outside our bedroom. still bleary-eyed with sleep, i couldn't quite make out what was on the screen. it just looked like fuzz. dust. a grey cloud. i continued down the hall to my parents room. the TV was on, but they weren't in there. again, the same channel. same grey cloud, now disappating just enough to show a video clip of a plane crashing into one of the world trade center buildings. i walked downstairs and saw my parents in front of the family room TV. watching. my mom crying. my dad in silence. we didn't speak. the video clip played over, and over, and over...

i'm pretty sure i stayed in the same room, in the same position on the couch in my pajamas that day with my family. watching various news channels, and just being with them. more reports kept coming of the horror. the two planes in NY, one in PA, and one at the pentagon. if i recall, i was awake early enough to see the second building fall. or maybe it was taped. that whole day was a blur, and it all seemed like it was happening at once. one of the things i couldn't stop thinking about, was that i was leaving in a week, and this made it that much harder on my mother, to let me go.

nine years later, i've been to the site of ground zero a total of 3 times. once, 2 years after it happened when you could literally walk up to the gate and see what was left. i remember my friend becky and i didn't know how to pose for the picture in front of it. do we smile? frown? cry? so many emotions, it was hard to feel much of anything other than crushing empathy and sadness. the other two visits have been while friends or family have been in town. but i prefer not to go there.

i'm not sure why i have such a hard time with it. i've always posessed an enormous amount of empathy, and a lot of feelings. so imagining anything about it overwhelms me with emotion. i have never been able to watch any specials about it, any hollywood made movies, any documentaries. i can't make it through them without sobbing.it's jut interesting how for some reason this global event has affected me more than some of my personal life's harshest moments. and even as i've grown and moved on from those, this one i can't seem to shake. it's hard to talk about. hard to think about. hard to write about without tears streaming down my face (as, you can imagine, it is happening right now). maybe i'm trying to internalize it and make it about me again. in this case, i hope so, because maybe it'll help to get over it. (it's not about me, it's not about me).

or maybe it's because i always knew deep down i'd end up in new york city. maybe it's because i myself had a terrorist scare in london all those years ago. whatever it is, maybe next year i'll be able to deal.

after all, this is my home now.

.two boyfriends.

January 27th, 1994 8:02pm

Dear Diary.

I am in fifth grade. I have two boyfriends. Their names are Daniel Dregne and Mark Taylor. I like them a lot. They are cute! I most like Daniel, but Mark is coming close for a tie. I think they are a tie. I wrote a letter to each of them saying "What's up lover boy?" Cristie and I wrote them. They are signed your secret loverS. Cristie also likes Mark Taylor. Haley, my sister, LOVES Adam. I maybe LOVE Daniel and Mark. Meagen Marie Dregne. Hmmm...Meagen Marie Taylor. Eh? Meagen Marie Carroll. Yea! Huhhh. Gotta go!

Love, Meagen Carroll
8:11pm


**notes from the awkward author:

-daniel dregne was the first boy that ever pranked called me, and inevitably my first crush.
-towards the end of 5th grade, i had 4 boyfriends. i think i peaked in 5th grade
-wow, i didn't know the definition of love
-really? what's up lover boy? that was my flirtation technique?
-good thing i wrote the start and end time, and also signed my full name. in case my diary didn't know who it was from.

.glory box.

i'm so tired, of playing
playing with this bow and arrow
gonna give my heart away
leave it to the other girls to play
for I've been a temptress too long

just...

give me a reason to love you
give me a reason to be, a woman
i just wanna be a woman

from this time, unchained
we're all looking at a different picture
thru this new frame of mind
a thousand flowers could bloom
move over, and give us some room

give me a reason to love you
give me a reason to be, a woman
i just wanna be a woman

so don't you stop, being a man
just take a little look from our side when you can
sow a little tenderness
no matter if you cry

give me a reason to love you
give me a reason to be ee, a woman
its all I wanna be is all woman

for this is the beginning of forever and ever

its time to move over...

-portishead

.sunday, bloody sunday.

i think i'm going to make sundays a thing for this blog. in the past few months, it seems i've been using sundays as a day for self reflection. and what better way to self reflect than to allow myself to pour out my thoughts in a public forum. yes. sundays, bloody sundays.

as mentioned before, i feel like 27 has been quite a year for self discovery. it's funny to think back to 10 years ago in mrs. pott's english class. i remember as we were graduating high school, we had to do a final 'senior project' of sorts, by choosing a theme for our life thus far, and making a 10 min speech about it in front of the class. mine, fittingly enough, was 'self-discovery.' and interestingly enough, 10 years later....it's still the theme.

i think what you would label me as, would be 'existentialist.' since i was very young, i've been on a quest to find out not only the meaning of life, but the meaning of MY life. why am i here? what is this? what does it all mean? and maybe that's a tad narcissistic, but maybe that's just me. who's to judge?

anyway, my point is. i may not always be right, and sometimes i may not even be nice. but know that i'm always sincere.

(even when 5 jameson and gingers deep.)

i wear my emotions on my skin. and maybe, just maybe. i'm starting to think it's not a bad thing.

.bridge over troubled water.

tonight is one of those perfect NY nights. warm, but no humidity, and calm with that relaxed vibe of summer. and as i sit here typing, i look to the right out my window, and it just reinforces how much i absolutely love living here.

of course, this perfect NY night really starts to remind me of EVERY night in LA, and of course the night wouldn't be complete without a bout of nostalgia. the air tonight reminds me of those summer nights when i was a kid. and we had been swimming in the pool all day. playing tube races, and little mermaid, and daily exercises, and then my mom would make nachos. and we'd swim up to the side of the pool, and grab a handful of the hot, salty, gooey chips, hands still dripping with pool water, getting them soggy but not caring in the slightest. nothing tasted as good as those nachos. and then after spending the whole day outside, we'd shower, eat dinner together as a family, and then go for a walk at dusk. hair still wet. in our pajamas. weather like this. nice.

it's sunday night, which means i'm alone in my apartment listening to bob dylan, and trying to hang onto the fantastic feeling that only comes with having a great weekend. realizing i've grown a lot this year, and while i was most worried about turning 27, so far it's proved to be one of the better years of my 20s. realizing that while i'm not quite ready to TEAR DOWN THAT WALL, i'm peering over the top...wondering where i can get a hard hat and a mallet. progress.

i heard this quote today, and i'm happy to say that this is how i feel with where i'm at in my life. and hope to continue crossing bridges, and remembering just the flint of a feeling that may have once been, replaced with the fire of something greater.

We cross our bridges when we come to them and burn them behind us, with nothing to show for our progress except a memory of the smell of smoke, and a presumption that once our eyes watered.

-tom stoppard

good things are coming.

.don't think twice, it's all right.

i wish i smoked cigarettes
for the kind of mood i'm in now
deep breath in
seeing the smoke
cascade out
instead of words.

i wonder if it's the longing
that makes me want to put
something to my lips
to keep them still.

for the time being
i'll fill this
whatever this is
with bob
and david
the manifestations of
the fantastic.

and my fingers
tap tap tap
on the keys
wishing they
and i
were with you
instead.