.10 thoughts on thursday.

1. i could absolutely live off of mozzarella/tomato/basil paninis for the rest of my life. that or pizza. cheese is the common theme here....

2. there is such a thing as wearing "too much" green.

3. i feel kind of patriotic/nostalgic being in NY on st paddys day. i know it's not as big of a celebration in ireland, but being here knowing my ancestors were here drinking it up in hell's kitchen in the 1880s....kind of cool. o'carrolls!

4. i don't understand how a lot of people have the jobs they do...and continue to keep them.

5. there are few things better than an irish car bomb.

6. i know i'm getting old when i refused an irish coffee this morning because "i had to do a lot of work." 24 year old meagen would have drank it. even 26 year old meagen. sigh. and the race to 30 continues...

7. autumn is going to have her baby in less than 3 months. AHHHHHH.

8. i still like writing on whiteboards as much as i did in elementary school when they starting replacing all the chalkboards.

9. conference calls are stupid.

10. when i videochat, i end up looking at myself most of the time. insecurity, narcissism, or reckless honesty?

.keep it comin love.

whatever this feeling is, i like it. x

.adjustments.

it's really funny seeing a movie set in new york city...when you're in new york city. as soon as the character turns a corner around a recognizable building, or the camera slow pans over central park, or rests for a moment on an iconic sign there's a rush of whispers in the movie audience "oooh, that's union square"..."did you see? that's the building where i work." it's so funny to me since we all live here...why do we feel the need to point it out? yet, i was totally guilty of squealing "coffee shop!" in a satisfied whisper during the adjustment bureau. i guess it's that warm sense of common familiarity. it's nice.

and what about the adjustment bureau? i liked it. and i'm not giving anything away by commenting on it, as we all knew it was god-like intervention and not like...aliens or monsters or anything....right? hopefully. but it's an interesting argument to think about. nature vs nurture. free will vs fate. do we choose our paths in life, or are they mapped out for us? perhaps a combination of both?

earlier this week i played my favorite game called "let's read my old journals and see where i was on this day...6.7.8 etc years ago." i've kept journals all my life (hence the occasional childhood diary posts), and since 2001 have kept various online journals, often losing interest in one and starting another. i've got quite a bitchin' cyberlife. but anyway, the point is that on october 27th, 2004 in my 4th year of college, i wrote this:

i've decided to graduate in june with a degree in nutritional science, and a minor in psychology as planned. i've also recently decided i'm not going to attend graduate school....yet. i'm just not ready. nutrition isn't my passion and there is no reason to waste money to specialize in something that i'm not exactly sure that i want to end up doing for the rest of my life.

so i've decided [almost randomly, but not entirely] that i'd like to try working in advertising for a while. i've been researching. and they usually accept all majors...with little to no experience. and i can write. i can work in groups. i'm enthusiastic. and i want to move to LA. to experience life. to make money. to be close to my family. to figure out what my passion really is. and maybe i'll find it out there.

eventually, i want to move to new york city. and live in an apartment and work maybe in an advertising firm out there. but not yet. i need some time to figure things out on my own. and it's not going to be easy. and it's going to be a lot of money, and effort. but i'm ready to put in the effort. because i'm happy about this decision.


weird right? they say that if you put it out there in the universe, things will happen. and all of that did. who knew that because i met a boy on a skiing trip, i was introduced to a band he knew who had just moved to california to try and make it big. and this band got signed to capitol records. and i made a friend on a tour bus who introduced me to a friend of hers from college. this friend had an internship at warner brothers records, and got me one too. from there, they recommended a temp agency specializing in entertainment. i went to work for a company that edited commercials. advertising. the company went through changes, and offered to move me to new york city. and here i am. all of my dreams came true.

so then. did i choose this path or was i destined to be here? who knows. but i guess the better question is...where do i want to go from here?

hmmmm.

.end rant.

5 thoughts for wednesday

1. when 2 of the same catalogs come to my apartment, addressed to me and the former tenant, why does it always feel more correct to read the one that is addressed to me?

2. who was the genius who ordered trash pickup in my apartment building monday morning at 5am and recycling every other tuesday morning at 5am? every time i hear a stray glass bottle clank down the stairs, i'm this much closer to unleashing some "violent love" sheen on them.

3. speaking of sheen, for 3 days i was super into it. on the 4th day i just started to feel weird that the media was enabling his rants. not to say i won't be quoting his mania for months. bi-winning. genius.

4. i'm realizing everyday, i'm becoming more like my mother. she always has a knack for knowing what we have when we're sick. i think that comes from raising 5 kids. when i started to feel sick on monday, i knew it was tonsilitis before i went to the mirror with a flashlight.

5. every teenager should be required to watch teen mom. period.

.i left my heart in san francisco.

great. fucking. weekend.

naked fish sushi. sake+beer. catching up on EVERYTHING. closing down the restaurant. social work brunch, with food that was anything but. sunshine. black socks on the clothesline. drinking in fort mason park ("is this legal?"). texas. the hot guy that fell on the cooler. reuniting with more old friends. marin. sunshine. kozy car. porn dance floor. waterbed. bartender matching us free shots with every drink we ordered. vodka soda. shot. vodka soda. shot. shot. "we bonded over judiasm." shot. LAAAAAASSSST CALLLLLLL. "we'll take one more vodka soda." vodka soda in a pint glass with grey goose. shot of manoshevitz.

walk along chestnut street. giant sandwich and salt and vinegar chips. huge diet coke. hangover. shopping. power nap. ASIA SF tranny show. "san francisco, where the women are strong and the men are pretty." early to bed. reading in bed like a married couple. naomi. gym. rain. delays. home. miss.

coming to a few realizations in life, where i may actually be wrong as much as i want to take control and be right. coming to a crossroads. thinking. feeling. sussing it out. trying to make sense of it. who i am. what this all means. why i can't be happy everyday. why everyday is a blessing and a fucking challenge. deep breaths. in. out. in. out. hearing my fingers tapping, knowing i'm starting to write again. feeling something. feeling...anything. everything.

decisions.

.moments.

.moments.

i won't let you see
what's buried underneath
at the risk
of losing
everything.

but sometimes i wish
you'd know me well enough
to see
me.
and know when your hand
accidentally grazes my thigh
that i'm waiting patiently
for the one time you decide
to let it linger
instead of pulling away
and laughing about how silly it would be
if we ever started dating
and shifting your gaze
to the latest temptress
to walk by baring more than a little
skin.

and sometimes i let my mind
wander
to what it would be like
if when you invited me over
you were hoping
as much as i was
that the hug goodbye
ended up in a kiss
and a fit of giggles
like schoolchildren
giddy with the promise
of what everyone says
is love.

i don't want most people
to see inside

but now i think i'm ready.

and in my head behind my eyes
i will wait.
for i still believe
every moment is a chance
for a new beginning.
just know
that it's been a while now
and though i wait
the clock ticks.
seconds to minutes
minutes to hours
and then to years.
a constant reminder
seeming to taunt...

how long do you wait
for a moment?

-originally drafted 8/10/10

.human after all.

i had one of those random moments yesterday morning on the subway that was so utterly human and made me so warm and tingly inside i have to share. humanity makes me so excited. ha.

it was the morning after the ice storm, and particularly slippery and dangerous outside, so i opted to take the subway the (2) stops into work. as i was descending the stairs ever so carefully to avoid breaking my ass, i heard the F train pulling into the station. i broke into a delicate run, praying i didn't fall in front of the 40 or so people in the subway station, including my favorite ray charles impersonator. though i'm not sure he'd be able to see me. right.

i made it into the subway car, turned around and breathed a sigh of relief. after living in NY for two years, i've come to appreciate the exquisite pleasure that is making the subway right before the doors close. suddenly, the girl in front of me reaches out like the incredible hulk and prys the doors open to let her (boyfriend?) in. after he comes in 2 other people try and squeeze themselves in the door as well, the last girl squeezing through as the subway car starts to move. we catch each others eyes briefly and exchange a warm glance that say something like "holy fuck, you made it!"

as the subway car jolts to a start, the crowd stands in silence, musing on what the day might hold. and no further than 15 seconds in, an automated message comes on the loudspeaker:

"ladies and gentlemen, please don't hold the doors."

i start to giggle and look up, as the same girl i exchanged the "holy fuck" glance with, is laughing too. the two of us catch each other looking again, and throw up our hands together signaling "i know, isn't this ridiculous"and then continue on the subway ride all the way to work.

i know that when i describe it, it sounds kinda dumb like. ok, so she looked at a girl in the subway. big whoop. but the feeling of being in sync with a stranger like that, is just one of those things, that direct display of humanity that is hard for me to ignore. life. one of the signs that we are alive. and everyone comes from different places, are going to different places. but for one moment to have your paths converge...is amazing. especially in new york. i rarely make eye contact here, because usually when you do it's scary.

but yesterday i did. and it was nice. we're not alone.

we're human after all.

.universe.

had to post again today, because after sleeping on and off, making some delicious edamame, and finally ending the night with a bath, i turned the television back on after a 1/2 day long hiatus. guess what's on tbs?

you've got mail.

this life is funny. thanks universe :)

.sniffles.

i've been sick for the past week, though at this point it's really more of an annoyance than anything. i keep trying to go and do stuff because i think me being irritated that i'm sick will suddenly cure me. so far, no dice.

i am writing from my warm and cozy bed trying to decide if a sprite zero, grapes, and something yummy to snack on is worth braving the frigid 10 degree weather. what's more likely, is that i will continue to sit here and whine. i'm hating the winter right now. i am really hoping this doesn't last much longer than today because this whole isolation thing on the weekends is really boring.

alright..mask of zorro, 6 days 7 nights, and kill bill vol 2 down. come on tbs, maybe throw a you've got mail my way?

ughhhhhh.

.white winter hymnal.

yesterday in new york city, all anyone could talk about was the storm. i kept hearing words like NOR'EASTER. STORMWATCH 2K11. BLIZZARD. and the numbers kept fluctuating. 6-8 inches. 6-10 inches. 8-14 inches. 2 feet! bloomberg kept talking about his 15 point plan of action to attack the storm head on. the media was hyping the storm like it was the second coming of lebron james to nyc (credits to eddie berrang on that reference).

as i walked home from work to change for my nightly workout, the air was dry and cold, and the sky was ominous. i thought "should i stop for bread and milk on the way home? am i going to get snowed in?" i've never been through a said "nor'easter." should i be scared?

it started snowing while i was looking out over delancey street, on the treadmill at the gym. 9:06 mins on the treadmill, small flakes at first. 15:12 mins, big fluffy flakes began to drop from the sky. and as i increased my speed to 6.5, the wind came. i could see it blowing through the trees, and blowing the snow into scrunched, judging, new york faces.

i holed up in my apartment after that, happily eating my falafel wrap from three monkeys (omgredsauceinmymouth), and wearing my really ugly but really comfortable sweatpants while the heat comforted my chilly exterior. and later, as i snuggled under the covers, i looked out onto essex street and watched the snow accumulate...and then plowed away by bloombergs overreaction. at 1am. i say let it snow, but i guess i'm overruled.

unfortunately, this "nor'easter" was a total disappointment. this morning, instead of greeted by pristine white blankets of snow, by 9am the mound outside my apartment was black and slushy and it was business as usual. but i guess that's new york for you.

.School. (4 pages)

3/25/91

I went to school.
And we learnd Haiku.
Then we learnd Clerihu.
I have a Hamster.
I am maybe going to do a report on her and bring her to school.
We have to do dinosaur reports.
We have to do presidents reports.
We do math.
We do poetry.
We do (turn page -->)
dinosaur reports. We do presidents reports.
We do phonics.
We do Handwriteing.
We go to school at 8:10. We get out of school at 2:00.
I go in a carpool. Some people go home with their mom or dud.
We go to Music at 1:00 on Monday.
We go to the library at 1:00 on Wensday.
There are 29 people in the class.
There is a boy named Michell that comes at 1:00 almost every day. He is in a different class the rest of the day.
I am in Mrs. Howards class.
I am 7.
I am in second grade
We do lots of things.
We do reading silently and out loud.
We do siace. **(science??)
We do history.
We have pictures on the wall. like the human body and the four food groups. and sharing.
We have to follow directions.

THE END.

**notes from the awkward author..
wow, where to begin.
-first of all, i left all the spelling errors. apparently science was a really tough one for me at 7 years old. siace? ok.
-the "turn page" element was key in my diary. just in case whoever was reading it (mainly me) would know what to do once you got to the end of the page.
-when i started writing after the "turn page", i wrote the exact same sentences i had just written. i guess i forgot. damn turn page...
-michell was a kid from the 'special' class that was in our class. i don't think at 7 i quite understood why he wasn't in our class the rest of the day...just that he apparently had a different deal than the rest of us.
-mom or dud? uhhh ok.
-the ending kills me. "we have to follow directions. THE END."

classic megs.

.lean lasagna.

in an effort to save money and stop going out as much (and also to expend some of the ever growing energy i've miraculously acquired in the new year), i've decided to start cooking meals that i can enjoy multiple nights. i looked at one of my favorite cooking blog websites epicurious for inspiration, and found a recipe for lean lasagna with ground turkey, mushrooms, and spinach. delightful right?

Lean Lasagna
(originally from Self Magazine)

* Vegetable-oil cooking spray
* 1/2 cup chopped onion
* 1 lb ground turkey breast
* 3 cups tomato sauce
* 3 tsp Italian seasoning (or 1 tsp each dried basil, parsley, and oregano)
* 1/4 tsp freshly ground black pepper
* 1/4 tsp garlic powder
* 1/2 cup chopped mushrooms
* 6 cups chopped fresh spinach (or chard)
* 2 cups fat-free ricotta
* 1/4 tsp nutmeg
* 1 package whole-wheat lasagna noodles(about 8 oz, or 9 noodles)
* 2 cups (8 oz) shredded part-skim mozzarella

Preheat oven to 375°F. Spray a medium-sized nonstick skillet with cooking spray. Sauté onion for 2 minutes, then add turkey and cook an additional 5 to 7 minutes. Add tomato sauce, all seasonings and mushrooms and simmer 2 minutes. Remove pan from heat. In a bowl, combine spinach, ricotta, and nutmeg. Bring a large pot of salted water to boil. Cook pasta according to package directions until al dente. Drain and rinse with cool water. Coat a 9" x 13" baking pan with cooking spray. Arrange 1/3 lasagna noodles (3 noodles) on the bottom of the pan. Spread a layer of ricotta mixture, then turkey mixture, then 1/3 mozzarella. Repeat layers, ending with mozzarella. Bake 20 to 25 minutes or until cheese bubbles. Cool at least 5 minutes before cutting.

yeah. it is delightful. until you start making it. you know what's time consuming? making a lasagna from scratch. i wish the recipe was outlined a little clearer like at the beginning saying "IF YOU LIVE IN A NY APARTMENT, START BOILING WATER WHEN YOU PREHEAT THE OVEN." something like that. because that tiny stove i have i believe took 20-30 mins to heat up the 6 quarts of water i needed to boil for the noodles. insanity. so the process took a bit longer than i thought....like 1.5 hours longer than i thought. so i ended up eating something else for dinner because i was going to pass out from starvation. but i did taste it after and it was really, quite delicious.

so when i was optimistic about cooking dinner, i sauteed the onions and ground turkey and tomato sauce and simmered it and all that jazz.

while i was waiting for the water to boil (FML), i took the mixture off the heat and began chopping the spinach for the ricotta layer

then i layered the noodles (3) on each layer, followed by the ricotta/spinach mix, turkey/tomato mix, and part skim mozzarella.

i then caught up on some of what was happening on true life: i have a fetish.(WHAT IS THIS SHOW?), and found out that foot fetishes like everything about feet. like the way they sweat. and the way the smell when they sweat. and want them in their mouth. ok barf (no judgement). i guess i can cross foot fetish off the list of fetishes i don't have.

and after that lovely intermission, i then managed to peel myself off the couch when the buzzer rang to take this little beauty out of the oven.

whew. all in all, it was a great experience. i do feel like i'm learning and 'honing' if you will, my cooking skills. learning things about my kitchen. like about the stove not boiling water fast. and the oven light blows out almost everytime i cook and i'm terrified to re-light it (but i do it). and how i have almost no counter space to cook anything. but i made a lasagna. from scratch. that's pretty effing awesome.

way to go first monday of 2011. so far, so good.

.little bean.

dear little berrang bean.

hi! welcome to 2011. i suppose you're being born this year, so that's cool. way to bring awesomeness into an otherwise hum-drum year. except for that i turn 28 this year, and i heard that's a pretty good age. you'll understand when you're older than..well, a fetus.

so this new years eve, i celebrated with your mom and dad. your mom actually made it all the way to midnight! i was really proud of her. your daddy went and picked up sandwiches from our favorite restuarant for us, the meatball shop. so i guess you ate that too. meatball smash+broccoli. mmmmmm. is it your favorite restaurant too? we watched dick clark's rockin' new years eve. you know, by the time you're old enough to read this you may be like...who?? but he has hosted new years eve in NY almost every year since 1972. what are the 1900s you ask? i'll tell you sometime...

at midnight, your daddy popped champagne for him and i, while your mommy sipped on apple cider. we all ate strawberries and wore glittery hats and it was all in all a good time. next year you'll wear a glittery hat of your own! so crazy to think about.

how are things in the womb? yeah? eddie talks to you a lot, can you hear him? i'm sure you're getting plenty of good food and awesome music from your parents. do you like built to spill yet? i guess we should ease into it...some raffi, maybe some babysongs. wheels on the bus? that was a favorite of mine.

well, i'm at work right now so i probably should go. i'm seeing you later this week for your mom's famous risotto. yes, eating again. you'll fit right in when you're born.

can't wait to meet you. i love you.

auntie mc.

.love lust.

NYC, our torrid affair resumes tomorrow. i missed you, you little whore.x

.good vibrations.

you know, this week has been pretty fantastic. seeing so many old friends, spending quality time with the family, pretty much eating my body weight in caramel corn (totally fine) and really just enjoying myself and my time away from the snowpocalypse that is NYC right now. fuckin' a. sometimes i forget how beautiful california winters are, because i always wanted a white christmas growing up. but when you're on a beach cruiser on the venice boardwalk in a tshirt on december 28th, and are able to dine al fresco with a giant hefeweizen and your best friend...you kind of have to appreciate the beauty in a sunny, kick ass christmas.

driving back to westlake today, i took the PCH at sunset and popped in my little sister's "TOTALLY 90s" mix CD, which had some epic nostalg tunes on there. as i drove by the beach, i rolled down the window and yelled along with blur screaming "WOOOOHOOOOOOO," which was the perfect song to sum up every emotion that i was feeling at that moment.

and while i still love NYC, with it's 24 hour deliveries, open until 4am bars, random pugs left outside my apartment, and general awesome insanity...it has been so nice to be able to have this time to spend in my tshirt and light sweater, pondering where 2011 could possibly take me.

what a lucky girl i am. good things are coming.

.reflections.

let's see if i can remember correctly...

i started this year off in san francisco with my best friend, and will end it in my home of two years, NYC with my best friend of the east. i traveled to miami, vieques puerto rico, philadelphia (a few times), ithaca NY, mississippi, memphis TN, the delaware river, and of course, california. i attended 1 bachelorette and 3 weddings, one of which i was in...in a hot pink strapless dress no less.

this year i had a visitor from january through march, who ended up moving here and who is and will remain my best guy. i dog-sat for the first time and realized the bittersweet joy that comes with the responsibility of another.

this year i loved and was loved, and also had my heart broken...a few times. this year i managed to drink my body weight + on valentines day aka "the day that never happened," and discovered a new favorite, the hot toddy.

this year i made new friends, and rekindled friendships with old ones. i bartended for the first time during a guest bartending stint, providing the catalyst for one specific rekindle.

this year my mom, brother logan, and sister kelsey were able to visit me in NY, a visit where my mom was able to act (mainly drink) like a 20 year old, and was a big hit with the friends.

this year i was always busy with work, but got to produce a project with spike lee.

this year, my bestie of the east found out she was with child, and i was to become 'aunt hooters'...this name needs to be re-thought before that kid is born. :)

and while i'm breezing over a lot of things, just know that my reflections include what i choose to take away from this year, and bring to the next. while at times rough, and always unpredictable, i believe i have learned and grown a lot. at least, that's what i'm telling myself...

take the lessons learned from 2010 little one, and bring only the positive with you into 2011. i hear 28 is a good year....

.new york i love you, but you're bringing me down.

it's been while, that's for sure. and what excuse do i have other than i've been busy? so lame, i know. but for the most part it's the truth.

it's winter now, and with the temperature drop so does my motivation for wanting to go outdoors. but the good news, is that i have an old friend visiting who has forced me to get out of bed every morning to show him around this city i call home. it's funny when people visit, how excited i get showing them the restaurants i frequent, the neighborhood haunts i waste gloomy afternoons drinking hot toddys in, all the while narrating the abbreviated history i've been able to retain in my short 2 year stint here. ok ok lance, i'll get up. this time. but can we spend tomorrow in bed instead?

new york, i love you.

but inevitably with the cold, comes the bitter realization that i do live quite far away from my family and really, the nice warm weather i'd grown up with. and it's especially hard around the holidays, while they call me with excited shrieks about the size of the christmas tree, and vow to make the holiday cookies i so desperately miss baking with my mom and sisters. and i know, i'll be going home on tuesday evening. and i should be grateful i have a job that has allowed me to be able to take a full 10 days to visit them. but when you have a once a year visit, 10 days seems too short.

anyway, the moral of the story is. i'm excited it's december. i'm excited about christmas and candy canes and really, just spending quality time with people i've so desperately missed over the last year. and it only seems appropriate to leave you with this.



cali here i come xx

.destiny.

i was reading my old blog today, and came across this post i made, not 5 years ago. funny to think about where life takes you, and how other people can see things you may not realize until much, much later.


destiny. [Nov. 7th, 2005|12:46 am]
a priest from my parish came into my restaurant today with my catechism teacher and their friends. after they finished eating, we were talking about me and what i was doing with my life. after you tell someone you just graduated college, it's only natural for them to ask "so...what are you doing waitressing?"

so i explained that i wasn't sure if i wanted to pursue nutrition, i really liked working in the music industry, and i worked at a radio station in college which is where i spent most of my time, and blah blah blah. i'm interning at warner brothers records seeing if this is something i'd like to pursue.

the priest, father bill, clears his throat, and without even looking up from his plate says "you'll work in the media industry."

and my catechism teacher goes "really bill? you think so?"

and he says "absolutely" and takes another sip of his wine.

and it felt weird. i'm sitting there thinking...ok, so if he's a priest and saying this to me...does that mean God thinks i'm going in the music industry? i mean. how else am i supposed to think? and it's kind of exciting. because maybe that -is- what i'm supposed to be doing. my calling. this is the sign i'm supposed to take as that life changing moment where clarity reveals itself and the road to the rest of my life is laid out in front of me. the moment that inspires me to do well and to go forth and prosper and really make something of myself.

but then again. this is the same priest who ordered a double wild turkey on the rocks.

luckily, we were out.

.on the verge.

of something awesome.

.adequacy.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

-nelson mandela