.it's easy to see the beginnings of things, and harder to see the ends.

a week ago, i received the lease renewal for my apartment saying my landlord wanted to raise my rent $150/month. after last year's $56/month raise, i called the management company to ask what was up, and received nothing more than "sorry, the market is hot right now. we're not willing to compromise." so i said fuck them and went on my merry way to look for another apartment. turns out, the market is hot right now...meaning, even for a 350 sq ft apartment that is now going to be $1600....i have a pretty solid deal. i mean i have a HUGE bathroom i can sit down in without my knees touching the wall. and that, my non-NY friends, is something to hold on to.

i read an article recently that i really enjoyed, that sort of summed up why it is NY folk really "heart" NY even though sometimes, it's rough to live here. i was really lucky to have ended up here the way i did, with work footing the bill for my move AND putting me up in a temporary apartment for a few months while i got acquainted, and looked for someplace to call home. i'm lucky that the economy had just failed and real estate had dropped so significantly that i was able to find a decent, albeit small, apartment in an area that i feel more than safe walking around in past midnight. but getting that apartment....i mean. the first apartment i was shown had poop in the toilet...like...A LOT of poop. i saw some dirty DIRTY cockroach probably bedbug ridden small ass apartments that smelled of a veritable pu-pu (zing!) platter of cuisines. i had my first good NY cry on rivington street because i had NO idea where i was, and i had to pee so badly but i couldn't find a bathroom. i ended up finding one in a biergarten (that i've never been back to, oddly enough), and ordering glass after glass of wine thinking to myself (and quite possibly aloud to the bartender), why the fuck anyone would choose to move here. that was almost three years ago.

so i found that article, and felt that tingly warm feeling that creeps into your heart. so i read some of the comments, and interestingly enough it turns out that this article was a total "twenty something blogger's ripoff" of a joan didion article from 1967. so i found that article, and it starts here:

"it's easy to see the beginnings of things, and harder to see the ends."

and i knew she had known what i am feeling now, and why somehow, after i said i would give this city a year or two, i find myself signing yet another year lease that will take me through almost four. and who knows what awaits after that?

i'm creeping up on my 28th birthday and with that comes the sneaking suspicion that i might not be that young anymore, and maybe should think about "the fewtcha." my mom had 2 kids by now at my age, and i'm still doing shots at 4:30am screaming mr big's "to be with you" at the top of my lungs, while willing myself in and out of situations that may not be in my best interest. i keep telling myself it's fun for now. but how long does "now" last before i start doing things to work TOWARDS something. towards some sort of goal. or am i doing that? subconsciously. all i know is that somehow, in some way, this is the first city i've lived in that i haven't had one foot in and one foot out. and it's made me think. maybe this is right. maybe this is what i want, and the things i thought i wanted may not be that important anymore. i'm making new goals. i guess what matters is that i'm happy, and i'm recognizing i have it in me to break the cycle.

and maybe that. that is why i still choose to heart ny.

find yourself, here.
http://www.mtholyoke.edu/~zkurmus/html/didion.html

.times, they are a changing.

it's getting to be springtime in NY, which means cherry blossoms and some warmer weather (three whole days of it!). and with the spring has come some changes, and i've found myself in the world of freelance post producing; a change i am both excited and ohshitterrified about. but one thing i'm coming to find i that this whole time off in between gigs is pretty fantastic. i stayed in my pajamas all day today. that's right. all. day. and it's tuesday which means law and order: SVU marathon. fuck.yes. but of course, with everything else, a lot of questions have popped up about, you know. life. naturally, because god forbid a change happens in my life without making me have to re-evaluate EVERYTHING. sheesh. can't i just let the chips fall where they may? do i have to try and control everything? (the answer is unfortunately, yes...but i'm trying to work on that).

so the main question is: what do -i- want. what does meagen want. hmmm. i think the answer right now is simply "change," and i assume the answers will make themselves clearer once i get fully involved with this new chapter in my life. and i'll realize if freelancing is what i want to do, or maybe it's leaving advertising all together. moving to freaking spain and living there for a year. or moving back to LA....(mom, don't get too excited yet...i said maybe). but that's i think why i'm excited about this. to work at new places, experience new things, meet new people. it's interesting because it usually takes me a few months to be fully comfortable working somewhere, so this will be a personal goal and challenge for me to open up sooner. (TEAR DOWN THAT WALL). changes.

and NY. oh NY. it's been a crazy 3 weeks hasn't it? it's funny, because the reason i am here (for my job) isn't there anymore. so it really has been making me think. (should i stay or should i go now). and it's just interesting. there have been a lot of disenchanting things about NY that i've been experiencing lately. like my bed bath and beyond experience. the long and short of it is: i was stalked in the store by a gentleman who kept popping up to say "SEXY," and then left at the checkout counter for 15 mins while we waited for the back to find a UPC code while my checker proceeded to sing katy perry and shoot the shit with her manager, neither of which decided to acknowledge nor help me. 15. minutes. that's an eternity. beyond. or today, while trying to find stamps. they don't sell them at the drugstore or markets here, so i found what the lower east side thinks is a post office aka 10x12 storefront with 1 disgruntled employee who when i asked for a bubble mailer, bent down and said "move bitch" to her coworker in order to get it. that was after the elderly foreign man tried to cut me in line because he thought the checker would "remember him." charming. or waking up at 7:30am because someone is filming something about the pickle place underneath your apt, while at 4am the same morning a group of bargoers decides to break into song and dance underneath your window. yes. NY. you're on my shitlist right now.

but in this city live a lot of people and places i'd miss dearly. and it's hard to think about leaving them. fuck, i can't leave them. i need them. alright NY...you still have a little bit of a hold on me. damnit. so i guess in the coming months, i'm hoping to split more of my time with LA, and decide what's really the best for me. and maybe it's bicoastal-ism. a balance of the two, so i can live both lives. or maybe it's committing to a location. either way, i know good things are coming. the bartender at the whiskey ward said so. and she knows me better than anyone.

times, they are a changing.

.things realized.

last night i decided to make the lasagna again, when i realized that my tiny NY apartment just really isn't conducive to cooking. but i love doing it so much, that i try and make it work, usually with several frustrations along the way. last night, these are things that i realized:

i have no counter space in which to prep my meals, so a lot of the scraps end up on the floor.
my stove has 4 burners, but it can only house 2 pots at a time.
my oven can fit a 9"x13" pan......barely.
the sink has no garbage disposal...and that's just dumb.
doing the dishes right after cooking kind of blows.

then...after spending the 2 hours prepping/cooking/baking the lasagna, i tended to my laundry and getting ready for bed. additional things realized:

when i go to grab my toothbrush out of the medicine cabinet, about 5 other items simultaneously fall out. this happens every time.
when i pick up my laundry, most of it will still be wet, so i'll need to hang it.
...my shower curtain rod is not sturdy enough to have more than 6 items hung on it before it will fall.
i don't have a lot of other places to hang things in my apt.
my closet is really small.
and/or i have too much laundry.

and a lot of these things continually frustrate me, and it's hard not to yell "GODDAMNIT" when my entire medicine cabinet empties into the sink, or when a cup of chopped onions falls onto the ground while i'm chopping mushrooms because i don't have enough room for everything. so knowing this, and dealing with it, why is it that i continue to live here? it's insanity that i have no space to do things i enjoy in my own apartment. so then i'll venture outside my apartment, but then my face freezes and i'll get pissed off at the ice slick on the stairs and the fact that even though it's sunny, it doesn't mean it's warm. and i think that spring is never coming. so why? why do you continue to taunt me NY?

because amidst all of this frustration, i woke up last night and heard the rain when it broke, lightly pitter-pattering on the awning of the storefront down beneath me. and sometimes i wonder if anyone else has the opportunity to walk through 3 cultures on your way to work (chinatown, little italy, and the lower east side), pausing briefly to stare at the view of the empire state building in the morning sun. and how amazing central park looks covered in the snow. and all the food. and bars. and cultchah! i mean yes. i hate it here and i love it here. and i go through the daily flip flop everyday, in the morning going from "that's it! i'm out of here, i'm going back to california..this is ridiculous"....to later that night walking home in the brisk air watching the sun go down over the jersey, thinking maybe this isn't so terrible after all. in fact, it's kind of amazing.

so right now, today. i heart ny.

but tomorrow may be another battle.

.adjustments.

it's really funny seeing a movie set in new york city...when you're in new york city. as soon as the character turns a corner around a recognizable building, or the camera slow pans over central park, or rests for a moment on an iconic sign there's a rush of whispers in the movie audience "oooh, that's union square"..."did you see? that's the building where i work." it's so funny to me since we all live here...why do we feel the need to point it out? yet, i was totally guilty of squealing "coffee shop!" in a satisfied whisper during the adjustment bureau. i guess it's that warm sense of common familiarity. it's nice.

and what about the adjustment bureau? i liked it. and i'm not giving anything away by commenting on it, as we all knew it was god-like intervention and not like...aliens or monsters or anything....right? hopefully. but it's an interesting argument to think about. nature vs nurture. free will vs fate. do we choose our paths in life, or are they mapped out for us? perhaps a combination of both?

earlier this week i played my favorite game called "let's read my old journals and see where i was on this day...6.7.8 etc years ago." i've kept journals all my life (hence the occasional childhood diary posts), and since 2001 have kept various online journals, often losing interest in one and starting another. i've got quite a bitchin' cyberlife. but anyway, the point is that on october 27th, 2004 in my 4th year of college, i wrote this:

i've decided to graduate in june with a degree in nutritional science, and a minor in psychology as planned. i've also recently decided i'm not going to attend graduate school....yet. i'm just not ready. nutrition isn't my passion and there is no reason to waste money to specialize in something that i'm not exactly sure that i want to end up doing for the rest of my life.

so i've decided [almost randomly, but not entirely] that i'd like to try working in advertising for a while. i've been researching. and they usually accept all majors...with little to no experience. and i can write. i can work in groups. i'm enthusiastic. and i want to move to LA. to experience life. to make money. to be close to my family. to figure out what my passion really is. and maybe i'll find it out there.

eventually, i want to move to new york city. and live in an apartment and work maybe in an advertising firm out there. but not yet. i need some time to figure things out on my own. and it's not going to be easy. and it's going to be a lot of money, and effort. but i'm ready to put in the effort. because i'm happy about this decision.


weird right? they say that if you put it out there in the universe, things will happen. and all of that did. who knew that because i met a boy on a skiing trip, i was introduced to a band he knew who had just moved to california to try and make it big. and this band got signed to capitol records. and i made a friend on a tour bus who introduced me to a friend of hers from college. this friend had an internship at warner brothers records, and got me one too. from there, they recommended a temp agency specializing in entertainment. i went to work for a company that edited commercials. advertising. the company went through changes, and offered to move me to new york city. and here i am. all of my dreams came true.

so then. did i choose this path or was i destined to be here? who knows. but i guess the better question is...where do i want to go from here?

hmmmm.

.i left my heart in san francisco.

great. fucking. weekend.

naked fish sushi. sake+beer. catching up on EVERYTHING. closing down the restaurant. social work brunch, with food that was anything but. sunshine. black socks on the clothesline. drinking in fort mason park ("is this legal?"). texas. the hot guy that fell on the cooler. reuniting with more old friends. marin. sunshine. kozy car. porn dance floor. waterbed. bartender matching us free shots with every drink we ordered. vodka soda. shot. vodka soda. shot. shot. "we bonded over judiasm." shot. LAAAAAASSSST CALLLLLLL. "we'll take one more vodka soda." vodka soda in a pint glass with grey goose. shot of manoshevitz.

walk along chestnut street. giant sandwich and salt and vinegar chips. huge diet coke. hangover. shopping. power nap. ASIA SF tranny show. "san francisco, where the women are strong and the men are pretty." early to bed. reading in bed like a married couple. naomi. gym. rain. delays. home. miss.

coming to a few realizations in life, where i may actually be wrong as much as i want to take control and be right. coming to a crossroads. thinking. feeling. sussing it out. trying to make sense of it. who i am. what this all means. why i can't be happy everyday. why everyday is a blessing and a fucking challenge. deep breaths. in. out. in. out. hearing my fingers tapping, knowing i'm starting to write again. feeling something. feeling...anything. everything.

decisions.

.human after all.

i had one of those random moments yesterday morning on the subway that was so utterly human and made me so warm and tingly inside i have to share. humanity makes me so excited. ha.

it was the morning after the ice storm, and particularly slippery and dangerous outside, so i opted to take the subway the (2) stops into work. as i was descending the stairs ever so carefully to avoid breaking my ass, i heard the F train pulling into the station. i broke into a delicate run, praying i didn't fall in front of the 40 or so people in the subway station, including my favorite ray charles impersonator. though i'm not sure he'd be able to see me. right.

i made it into the subway car, turned around and breathed a sigh of relief. after living in NY for two years, i've come to appreciate the exquisite pleasure that is making the subway right before the doors close. suddenly, the girl in front of me reaches out like the incredible hulk and prys the doors open to let her (boyfriend?) in. after he comes in 2 other people try and squeeze themselves in the door as well, the last girl squeezing through as the subway car starts to move. we catch each others eyes briefly and exchange a warm glance that say something like "holy fuck, you made it!"

as the subway car jolts to a start, the crowd stands in silence, musing on what the day might hold. and no further than 15 seconds in, an automated message comes on the loudspeaker:

"ladies and gentlemen, please don't hold the doors."

i start to giggle and look up, as the same girl i exchanged the "holy fuck" glance with, is laughing too. the two of us catch each other looking again, and throw up our hands together signaling "i know, isn't this ridiculous"and then continue on the subway ride all the way to work.

i know that when i describe it, it sounds kinda dumb like. ok, so she looked at a girl in the subway. big whoop. but the feeling of being in sync with a stranger like that, is just one of those things, that direct display of humanity that is hard for me to ignore. life. one of the signs that we are alive. and everyone comes from different places, are going to different places. but for one moment to have your paths converge...is amazing. especially in new york. i rarely make eye contact here, because usually when you do it's scary.

but yesterday i did. and it was nice. we're not alone.

we're human after all.

.white winter hymnal.

yesterday in new york city, all anyone could talk about was the storm. i kept hearing words like NOR'EASTER. STORMWATCH 2K11. BLIZZARD. and the numbers kept fluctuating. 6-8 inches. 6-10 inches. 8-14 inches. 2 feet! bloomberg kept talking about his 15 point plan of action to attack the storm head on. the media was hyping the storm like it was the second coming of lebron james to nyc (credits to eddie berrang on that reference).

as i walked home from work to change for my nightly workout, the air was dry and cold, and the sky was ominous. i thought "should i stop for bread and milk on the way home? am i going to get snowed in?" i've never been through a said "nor'easter." should i be scared?

it started snowing while i was looking out over delancey street, on the treadmill at the gym. 9:06 mins on the treadmill, small flakes at first. 15:12 mins, big fluffy flakes began to drop from the sky. and as i increased my speed to 6.5, the wind came. i could see it blowing through the trees, and blowing the snow into scrunched, judging, new york faces.

i holed up in my apartment after that, happily eating my falafel wrap from three monkeys (omgredsauceinmymouth), and wearing my really ugly but really comfortable sweatpants while the heat comforted my chilly exterior. and later, as i snuggled under the covers, i looked out onto essex street and watched the snow accumulate...and then plowed away by bloombergs overreaction. at 1am. i say let it snow, but i guess i'm overruled.

unfortunately, this "nor'easter" was a total disappointment. this morning, instead of greeted by pristine white blankets of snow, by 9am the mound outside my apartment was black and slushy and it was business as usual. but i guess that's new york for you.

.new york i love you, but you're bringing me down.

it's been while, that's for sure. and what excuse do i have other than i've been busy? so lame, i know. but for the most part it's the truth.

it's winter now, and with the temperature drop so does my motivation for wanting to go outdoors. but the good news, is that i have an old friend visiting who has forced me to get out of bed every morning to show him around this city i call home. it's funny when people visit, how excited i get showing them the restaurants i frequent, the neighborhood haunts i waste gloomy afternoons drinking hot toddys in, all the while narrating the abbreviated history i've been able to retain in my short 2 year stint here. ok ok lance, i'll get up. this time. but can we spend tomorrow in bed instead?

new york, i love you.

but inevitably with the cold, comes the bitter realization that i do live quite far away from my family and really, the nice warm weather i'd grown up with. and it's especially hard around the holidays, while they call me with excited shrieks about the size of the christmas tree, and vow to make the holiday cookies i so desperately miss baking with my mom and sisters. and i know, i'll be going home on tuesday evening. and i should be grateful i have a job that has allowed me to be able to take a full 10 days to visit them. but when you have a once a year visit, 10 days seems too short.

anyway, the moral of the story is. i'm excited it's december. i'm excited about christmas and candy canes and really, just spending quality time with people i've so desperately missed over the last year. and it only seems appropriate to leave you with this.



cali here i come xx

.9.11.

i wasn't living in new york on 9/11/01.

it is one hour until 9/11/10, and i sit in my 350 sqft apartment in the lower east side thinking about the moment that (dare i say?) defined our generation. or at the very least, separated my generation from so many others. changed everything. when my kids are old enough to learn about it in school, they will one day be asking me where i was when 9/11 happened. and i will have this brief recall of my memory to show them.

i remember waking up that morning. i was leaving for my freshman year of college in a week, and was living at my parents house anxious to get up to san luis obispo where i would begin my new, adult life. i remember walking out of the room i shared with my sister to see the TV on in the playroom outside our bedroom. still bleary-eyed with sleep, i couldn't quite make out what was on the screen. it just looked like fuzz. dust. a grey cloud. i continued down the hall to my parents room. the TV was on, but they weren't in there. again, the same channel. same grey cloud, now disappating just enough to show a video clip of a plane crashing into one of the world trade center buildings. i walked downstairs and saw my parents in front of the family room TV. watching. my mom crying. my dad in silence. we didn't speak. the video clip played over, and over, and over...

i'm pretty sure i stayed in the same room, in the same position on the couch in my pajamas that day with my family. watching various news channels, and just being with them. more reports kept coming of the horror. the two planes in NY, one in PA, and one at the pentagon. if i recall, i was awake early enough to see the second building fall. or maybe it was taped. that whole day was a blur, and it all seemed like it was happening at once. one of the things i couldn't stop thinking about, was that i was leaving in a week, and this made it that much harder on my mother, to let me go.

nine years later, i've been to the site of ground zero a total of 3 times. once, 2 years after it happened when you could literally walk up to the gate and see what was left. i remember my friend becky and i didn't know how to pose for the picture in front of it. do we smile? frown? cry? so many emotions, it was hard to feel much of anything other than crushing empathy and sadness. the other two visits have been while friends or family have been in town. but i prefer not to go there.

i'm not sure why i have such a hard time with it. i've always posessed an enormous amount of empathy, and a lot of feelings. so imagining anything about it overwhelms me with emotion. i have never been able to watch any specials about it, any hollywood made movies, any documentaries. i can't make it through them without sobbing.it's jut interesting how for some reason this global event has affected me more than some of my personal life's harshest moments. and even as i've grown and moved on from those, this one i can't seem to shake. it's hard to talk about. hard to think about. hard to write about without tears streaming down my face (as, you can imagine, it is happening right now). maybe i'm trying to internalize it and make it about me again. in this case, i hope so, because maybe it'll help to get over it. (it's not about me, it's not about me).

or maybe it's because i always knew deep down i'd end up in new york city. maybe it's because i myself had a terrorist scare in london all those years ago. whatever it is, maybe next year i'll be able to deal.

after all, this is my home now.

.in a new york minute.

i am feeling so much
but not allowing it
to rule me
to change me

i think i'm warranted to have
thoughts
but i think maturity
is realizing you can't act
(that's inappropriate for my regret)

trying to make an effort
trying to take control

trying not to let this take me again

and only i can help.

(everything can change)