.feelin' the same way all over again.

i never know where to post these things. my other blog seems too upbeat and to be honest today i'm not really feelin' it.

it's the holidays. i always grew up really loving and looking forward to them. why since i've gotten older have they gotten so hard?

i suppose i'm in a unique experience currently. i gave up my NY apartment in may and have been bouncing back and forth between santa monica and new york, working in each place, living with friends, subletting or housesitting. never really committing to one place or another. creating space between me and them. the city? my life? maybe both.

i don't feel connected. to anyone or anything. i feel alone. i feel like i can't focus on what i'm doing to get myself out of this situation. like i've sunk so far down that there isn't a way to dig myself back out. even now, as i'm writing i'm really not paying attention. i see my fingers tapping on the keys and i know that i'm thinking, writing, tapping, tap tap tap tap. but it's like i'm outside my body.

i don't know. and now it feels like i'm back a little bit. i'm looking on the soul cycle website trying to decide if i can commit to waking up early tomorrow. i have to be at work at 10 on a saturday and that leaves me with an 8am class option with a 1/2 hour commute. do i do it?

help me.

.yes.

"are you willing to do anything it takes to have what i have?"

"yes"

the word came out of my mouth before i even knew what i was going to say. yes. i am going to do this. they say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. if tonight was any indication of how i could be feeling everyday, i think i'm ready.

here's to letting go.

.sunday night anxiety.

tonight's one of those sunday nights when it's after 1am, and i know that i'm going to need to take a 1/2 xanax in order to fall asleep. which means i'll be totally groggy tomorrow because i won't have had 8 hours of drugged, anxiety-free sleep...but it will help with tonight, and all those crazy thoughts shooting through my brain.

i got a message tonight that a friend of mine's parents were killed in a plane crash today, on their way back from the bahamas. they were finalizing plans for their son's wedding, that was supposed to be in 5 weeks. he's supposed to marry my best friend's sister. and i only met them once, but it's just one of those things, one of those tragedies that shakes you to your core, and makes you think about how short and delicate life is.

i was going to make this post into some introspective thoughts on my own life. but i think they deserve their own dedication. my thoughts and prayers are with their family. an unspeakable tragedy.

i'm grateful for the xanax tonight.

.and in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make.

every year on valentines day, my mom would set out individual baskets of strawberries for all of us kids. sometimes we'd get a little present too, like a pencil with hearts on it, or a tiny box of chocolates, and usually a note in our lunch telling us how much she loved us. and as a kid you're always like "mooooommmmm." but it was so nice. just a little token of love for each of us.

in elementary school, every year we'd all make a valentine mailbox, and people would bring in pre-packaged valentines, you know. the ones with the mini candy like smarties, or sweet tarts, or m+ms. the best ones were the ones with the tiny boxes of nerds...those kids were so legit in my book. but once in 5th grade, i got a real valentine card from mark taylor, and he said he was glad we were friends and he was glad to know me. he spelled valentines wrong, but i didn't care. i got a real card from a boy i had a crush on. i think he and i both blushed for a week after that. i think i still have that card somewhere...

i can remember almost every valentines day from college. having to work at cupid's hot dogs my sophomore year, and how it was busy because...it was -cupids- hot dogs. and how my coworker brought me flowers and balloons, and bought me a salad and a chocolate milkshake from the restaurant across the street. and how that morning, my friend erik had come over and made me pancakes before our test. and junior year, spending it with naomi, going shopping in santa barbara and her buying me mexican food, and later watching save the last dance in our pajamas while eating popcorn and drinking hot chocolate. i think we put our retainers in after that. i remember laughing a lot. and my senior year, spending it with nay and the girls watching gay porn, and drinking wine. love.

after college, it blurs a little, but i remember toi thai with angela, kat and naomi when we ran into adam brody and rachel bilson, and another night at el cholo with nay and the girls. or when my friend nick came to NY for work in 2009, but came to see me that night, and brought me flowers on his way in from the airport. and 2010....or "the day that never happened" with PJ and angela. emerald pub. tribeca grand. fist pumping. makeouts with tyler. and then last year, making the trip out to SF to spend another year with my naomi. kozy kar and asiaSF watching the trannies dance.

i am so lucky to be surrounded by so much love, romantic, friendly, or otherwise. just love. my heart hurts i love so much. plus, an excuse to dress up, or drink wine, or watch gay porn, or have a party, or whatever. that's cool with me. count me in. so i guess as it turns out, i'm actually a huge fan of valentines day. and someday when i have a little girl, i'm going to give her her own basket of strawberries, and write her a note in her lunch, and give her a cute little pencil, too. and make sure she knows that she's loved, and doesn't ever need a man to justify that for her.

.the wrong way.

do you ever think sometimes you might be doing it wrong? life, i guess is what i mean though i think that comes off sounding wayyyy more depressing than i'm intending it to. but really, i'm honestly asking, do you ever do something knowing that it's the exact wrong thing for you to be doing? like that email i sent. wrong. that 4th glass of wine. wrong. those texts. that promise. wrong. wrong. this whole month...wrong? (or sooo right :))

i mean i have to wonder too, if i'm obsessing over these things though (probably). the catch-22 of it all is that while i'm sitting here wondering if i'm "doing it wrong," everyone else has moved on. i'm even reacting to doing it wrong, wrong. *le woe*

i know it's all part of learning. but why does it seem hard? i feel like i'm on the cusp of something great, some big change, some 'what does it all mean' discovery, but the road to get there is paved with learning curves that i obsess over. why am i so afraid to fail? WHY AM I SO AFRAID TO FAIL. in learning you're supposed to be able to make mistakes. but i seem to have a hard time allowing myself to do so. like i set a precedence for myself i can never attain, i try to attain it, can't, fail, and reprimand myself for something i could have never done in the first place. WHY DO I TAKE MYSELF SO SERIOUSLY.

relax. i need to relax. i need to change meds. i probably need to see someone. laugh. i need to laugh more at myself. you only live once. why not send things? why not take chances. risks. try and maybe succeed. try is the operative word. be not afraid.

ok, i think i just pepped myself up. see how writing can help meagen? let's try to do more of that. so bring it on 2012. i may not have control over everything life gives me, but i sure as hell can control my attitude towards it.

.goodbye horses.

last year it snowed on thanksgiving. i went to autumn's house, like i had done the year prior, excited about my second 'friendsgiving,' but still getting used to not being with my family. and of course, there was lots of good food and a rowdy game of apples to apples, followed by a trip to the bars. i miss those times. those friends.

things are different this year. not necessarily better or worse, but definitely different. looking forward to giving thanks with other people, but still great friends. change is good, i think.

there are a lot of things that are going on in my life that i wish i could freely write about without judgement, but unfortunately (or fortunately), some things must remain anonymous. just know that if i'm a little snappier than normal, it's probably not you...it's me.

wow, this is the first time i've written in a while. it feels nice. weird. i still feel like something is holding me back. some writer's block. some dishonesty. perhaps once i'm honest with myself, the words will flow through me with ease.

until then....

.alcohols.

i think i drew carbon structures while wasted last night. with double bonds. and alcohols.

fitting, really. and good to know that i can still remember SOME of o-chem...when i'm wasted. which was the perpetual state of college anyway.

it's all coming together.

.it's easy to see the beginnings of things, and harder to see the ends.

a week ago, i received the lease renewal for my apartment saying my landlord wanted to raise my rent $150/month. after last year's $56/month raise, i called the management company to ask what was up, and received nothing more than "sorry, the market is hot right now. we're not willing to compromise." so i said fuck them and went on my merry way to look for another apartment. turns out, the market is hot right now...meaning, even for a 350 sq ft apartment that is now going to be $1600....i have a pretty solid deal. i mean i have a HUGE bathroom i can sit down in without my knees touching the wall. and that, my non-NY friends, is something to hold on to.

i read an article recently that i really enjoyed, that sort of summed up why it is NY folk really "heart" NY even though sometimes, it's rough to live here. i was really lucky to have ended up here the way i did, with work footing the bill for my move AND putting me up in a temporary apartment for a few months while i got acquainted, and looked for someplace to call home. i'm lucky that the economy had just failed and real estate had dropped so significantly that i was able to find a decent, albeit small, apartment in an area that i feel more than safe walking around in past midnight. but getting that apartment....i mean. the first apartment i was shown had poop in the toilet...like...A LOT of poop. i saw some dirty DIRTY cockroach probably bedbug ridden small ass apartments that smelled of a veritable pu-pu (zing!) platter of cuisines. i had my first good NY cry on rivington street because i had NO idea where i was, and i had to pee so badly but i couldn't find a bathroom. i ended up finding one in a biergarten (that i've never been back to, oddly enough), and ordering glass after glass of wine thinking to myself (and quite possibly aloud to the bartender), why the fuck anyone would choose to move here. that was almost three years ago.

so i found that article, and felt that tingly warm feeling that creeps into your heart. so i read some of the comments, and interestingly enough it turns out that this article was a total "twenty something blogger's ripoff" of a joan didion article from 1967. so i found that article, and it starts here:

"it's easy to see the beginnings of things, and harder to see the ends."

and i knew she had known what i am feeling now, and why somehow, after i said i would give this city a year or two, i find myself signing yet another year lease that will take me through almost four. and who knows what awaits after that?

i'm creeping up on my 28th birthday and with that comes the sneaking suspicion that i might not be that young anymore, and maybe should think about "the fewtcha." my mom had 2 kids by now at my age, and i'm still doing shots at 4:30am screaming mr big's "to be with you" at the top of my lungs, while willing myself in and out of situations that may not be in my best interest. i keep telling myself it's fun for now. but how long does "now" last before i start doing things to work TOWARDS something. towards some sort of goal. or am i doing that? subconsciously. all i know is that somehow, in some way, this is the first city i've lived in that i haven't had one foot in and one foot out. and it's made me think. maybe this is right. maybe this is what i want, and the things i thought i wanted may not be that important anymore. i'm making new goals. i guess what matters is that i'm happy, and i'm recognizing i have it in me to break the cycle.

and maybe that. that is why i still choose to heart ny.

find yourself, here.
http://www.mtholyoke.edu/~zkurmus/html/didion.html

.helplessness blues.

oh fleet foxes. you've done it again.



in the comments, there's a lot about it being like dylan's "4th time around," which is i'm sure why this song jumped out at me on the new album. and thus, the sundays with dylan have come full modern circle.

.the miracle of man.

thought for the day.

"but we were born of risen apes, not fallen angels, and the apes were armed killers besides. and so what shall we wonder at? our murders and massacres and missiles, and our irreconcilable regiments? or our treaties whatever they may be worth; our symphonies however seldom they may be played; our peaceful acres, however frequently they may be converted into battlefields; our dreams however rarely they may be accomplished. the miracle of man is not how far he has sunk but how magnificently he has risen. we are known among the stars by our poems, not our corpses."

— robert ardrey